"It's not you, it's me." Sound familiar? It's the all time classic line that we say when we want to sever a relationship with someone without hurting their feelings more than we already are. Even though we tend to associate it with more romantic relationships, it can be used in any context of a relationship - friends, family, acquaintances, etc. Somehow telling them that they are not the reason for the separation gives us peace of mind about it all.
We put the blame on ourselves in order to make someone else feel better about themselves. How does this not hurt us as an individual? If this kind of thing continues, would we eventually just automatically think that everything that goes wrong is our fault, not others? To an extent, yes, we need to take the blame for our own actions and decisions. That is something that is often forgotten in our society today where the victim is innocent and does not take responsibility for their own actions. We do decide how we feel after something happens to us and take responsibility for those feelings and the actions thereafter.
What if it's not always us though? What if it really is someone that is toxic in our life? It is usually someone that is close to us, and we don't want to hurt or separate ourselves from. By keeping that kind of a person in our lives, we only add to the toxicity that they bring. I've seen some people who are completely miserable because of someone else in their life.
The question is always, "how do you deal with a person like that"? There's no easy answer to that. More often than not, you try to avoid that person and hope that you don't have to talk to them about whatever it is that is hurting you and/or other people. Avoiding people and problems just lets everything sit, and continue to grow worse. You may feel like you have to completely cut that person out of your life since it can be difficult to confront them about a particular recurring issue. I feel that completely cutting someone out of your life should be the last thing you do. Confronting someone seems like the hardest thing in the world, but sometimes it needs to be done.
When finally confronting someone, starting with something like, "I'm still your friend (or daughter, son, etc.), and I love you (if appropriate to the relationship). I value our relationship and want it to be the best that it can be. This is how I feel about..." can be the best way to push through the awkward beginning of that conversation. While this is not an exact script that is guaranteed to work every time, it gives you a starting point.
You might have to adjust your style of confrontation depending on the person you are confronting. Some people don't like direct conversation as they might feel like they are backed into a corner and need to defend themselves. Other people might not appreciate something like a letter because they might feel like the other party is too afraid to say something to their face. Look at the situation carefully as well as how well the person handles problems.
It never easy dealing with people or problems in life. We've grown so used to ignoring everything and just hoping it'll all go away. That never turns out in the end the way we think it will. Actually taking things head on will benefit you later in life. You might obtain a sense of freedom and be able to be bold about other hard things in life. It's not going to get any easier, but having the strength to take it on is the first step.
"Let's get the story straight
You were a poison
Flooding through my veins
Driving me insane
And now you're gone away
I'm no longer choking
From the pain you put me through
And now I know that it's not me it's you"
-Skillet, "It's Not Me It's You"
