I already knew that not being okay was fine. I just wanted to spare others from worrying about me. Accepting that I wasn't where I wanted to be in life was and still is one of the hardest struggles I deal with. Coping and being open about it is even harder.
It seems that every time I try to open up about situations. I am bombarded with cliche answers that make me what to close back up again.
Of course, I never mean to be ungrateful either. I am blessed that I could have been in worse situations, thank you for that. Yes, I do keep the faith, whether it be in prayer or dutifully carrying on. Keep my head up? I'm trying. I really am. Stay strong? Refer to the answer to the previous question. Do we have the same 24 hours? I don't know about that one. And sorry if I seem off-putting, a Debbie downer, selfish and sorry for feeling this way and being an inconvenient burden.
Just rinsing and repeating this cycle every time I feel down.
Times like this, I feel like all the doors have been slammed in my face by life's various inconveniences and although my loving family, friends, and everyone that I genuinely care about offers support and kindness, I feel too overwhelmed to genuinely let it resonate.
Currently, I'm sitting here with exhausted eyes cooling down after erupting in hot tears sitting in this library with people scattered as I pathetically attempt to hide my emotions by covering my eyes with the sleeves of my jacket. I'm constantly checking my phone mirror and the bathroom mirror to see if my eyes are still red so I won't give off an unlawful impression. Reflecting on my breakdown, I realize that I shouldn't have to wait until I'm alone and bottled up letting stress and the should've could've and would've untwisted the cap and pour everything out. No one deserves to have this outcome.
As much as I didn't want to keep hearing the cliches, I felt it wasn't fair to them to keep my loved ones out the dark. Many of them even saw past my dark times and kept asking while I kept pushing past it, which can be toxic.
Recently, I started getting the courage to open up to my parents. My providers were the hardest people to open up to because I wanted to make them proud and still do. I didn't want to be seen as the child with all the problems or the one your mom gossips about to her friends/older family members and disappoints your dad and is further denounced as the black sheep. All my expectations were diminished when I found I got acceptance. Rather than being bombarded with cliches, they helped me to think rational and find solutions to situations I wouldn't think to be relatable because of the generation gap.
Opening up to my friends was not as hard, but still difficult. How can I discuss this with them without being a Debbie Downer? My friends are the life of the party: beautiful, admirable, and caring. How fair was it to them letting them into my world of doubt and depression and having them look at me differently?
Sometimes, they realize they know about you before you even tell them. When I do tell them, I get cliches at times and even more bombarded with the "Why didn't you tell me's ?!" Beyond the risk of cliches and whatnot, I wonder, why didn't I tell them?
I realize that sometimes we refuse to accept unconditional caring. Being put in positions having to tailor yourself to meet these qualifications or act a certain way can resonate in the external realm and greatly affect your mental health. Having been through trauma made me have a diminished sense of trust. Sometimes opening up doesn't have to be all the way. It can be gradual. Most importantly, It can be at your own pace.
Opening up doesn't have to entail your life story, unless you want it to. The most important thing is that although the other person can't relate, that doesn't mean they aren't open to listen. I relished in an unrelatable struggle for the longest and felt like I couldn't tell anyone because they couldn't relate. No one should feel obligated to show that they relate to develop a relationship to you. It's fine not to!
Crying in public places may be socially unacceptable, but it was a great relief to me. I'm not condemning it all the way but suggesting that talking things out before they escalate helps. Feeling those bouts of anxiety and overwhelming feelings should not be undermined and brushed off for the sake of time. Paying attention and become self-aware of them can help greatly. Reflecting on moments leading up to day have revealed to me that there were so many occasions that I felt off and didn't feel like directly dealing with them.
It's okay to take time to yourself. Reflect. Become self-aware while the moment presents itself. Becoming aware of surroundings while emotions are at its peak helps calm yourself too to help develop a sense of control. Regaining control is major when dealing with stressful situations. When interacting with others, it is also helpful too. Realizing their tone, their body language and attentiveness makes the situation more bearable and comfortable.
My eyes are no longer bloodshot as I am still learning. I am not okay and that's okay.
I am not okay and that's okay.
Everything is a learning process. About control, about others, about yourself.
Take time with yourself.
Take time with me.