Before reading this article, I'd like you to consider the definition of the term "boys will be boys" supplied by the Cambridge English Dictionary:
"said to emphasize that people should not be surprised when boys or men act in a rough or noisy way because this is part of the male character"
"Boys will be boys" was something I was often told in kindergarten, after being bullied by the little boys on the playground who would throw their backpacks at the girls and push us over as they ran past. We would run to the teachers in tears with scraped knees and hurt feelings, but the only answer they ever really seemed to have was, "Oh well, boys will be boys, I'm sure they didn't mean it." My teachers would tell me that it was okay for boys to be rough and mean because they were boys, learning how to act and behave, while also telling the boys that their behavior was OK, so long as they grew out of it at some point. So at a fairly young age, I accepted that boys had a legitimate excuse for their behavior.
When I reached the third grade and encountered my first real bully, a boy who felt the need to call me fat everyday and pinch my arms, I decided the excuse "boys will be boys" wasn't fair. I didn't think it was right to give him a way out every time he hurt my feelings. Being the strong little girl l was, I fought back. If he was going to be mean to me, I should be allowed to be mean back, right? If "boys will be boys" was a legitimate excuse, wasn't "girls will be girls" one that could be used interchangeably? I quickly discovered it wasn't after being sent to the principal's office multiple times and threatened with suspension in the third grade for bullying my bully, when in reality all I'd really done was stand my ground. I agreed to quell my attacks on him, although I don't recall them ever asking him to do the same.
Once I became a freshman in college, the meaning of the phrase "boys will be boys" held a whole new connotation. It wasn't simply used if a boy hurt your feelings, or cheated on you or called you names. It was "boys will be boys" when a girl came home crying and confused at 2 a.m., dress torn and underwear lost because she'd just been raped by the boy at the party who she thought she liked until he was forcing himself on her. She tried to tell her friends and although they felt sympathy for her, they couldn't do much except shrug their shoulders and hug her while she cried.
Her rape would most likely go unreported because statistically, according to the National Statistics of the Rape Response Service, "Only 13% of the sexual assault cases disclosed in the National Survey were reported to police, 6% to child protective services, 5% to school authorities, and 1.3% to other authorities. 86% of the sexual assaults went unreported." She knew the torture she would endure being scrutinized by the police, asking her what she was wearing and if she had enticed him. Then to the hospital for an intrusive rape kit that would cost her up to $1500 and if it actually got to court, being attacked by the rapist's defense attorney who would paint his 20-year-old college athlete as a well educated, kind boy who made a mistake he thought was consensual. He wouldn't receive much jail time, if any, because the judge would most likely agree that he was just a boy being a boy, who made a mistake that wasn't worth ruining his life over, while his victim would have a lifetime of PTSD and therapy ahead of her. It's not enough to go through the rape, but to be assaulted just as much by the United States justice system simply because of the bias in the United States that boys have an excuse for their behavior.
As I continue through college and have firsthand experience observing the relationships my friends are in, more and more I notice abused women utilizing the phrase as well, often to defend their abusers. Women in abusive relationships tend to have a difficult time leaving their abusive husband either from fear of him, or the fear of being criticized by others who feel the abuse isn't cause for concern. Women die everyday from intimate partner violence, yet so many chose to stay with their abuser. Worse, they often find ways to make excuses for the abuser, because since age 5, women have been told that it's OK for men to be rough. Many women in abusive relationships learn that "boys will be boys," "men will be men," and that if your husband is abusive, he can't really help it, moreover, it's probably your fault. This kind of thinking is why so many women die in abusive relationships, because instead of leaving them, they make excuses for their spouse and stay, excuses they were taught to be accepting of at such a young age.
I noticed most, however, how detrimental the saying "boys will be boys" actually is to men. By saying this statement, it's practically saying that boys can't be held responsible for any of their own actions, they can't understand simplistic ideas, like stopping when a woman says no, and that all men will need the excuse. Of course, not all men are rapists, just like not all little boys would bully the girls on the playground or be violent towards them in relationships. But by using this statement, we group all men together, making them less as an overall entity.
It's time to start making men responsible for their actions, and to get rid of the excuse, "boys will be boys."
