On February 10th, 2017, it will be five years since my first suicide attempt. It also marks five years of recovery from bulimia. I am very proud of the progress I have made since that day in 2012, however, there is so much about recovery I was never prepared for.

I am currently in recovery for self harm, eating disorders, and depression. When I started this journey I had this idealistic perception that one day I would wake up, and everything would be better. I imagined someday all these scars would heal and I would never have to think about it again. I wasn’t prepared for the reality beyond the disease.

My first surprise came from my first relapse. It came after a particularly stressful day at school. I was laying in bed crying and started craving something. It was a weird sensation because, at first, I couldn’t figure out what my body wanted. And then I realized, I was craving pain. And that night, I realized what the road ahead looks like.

My first relapse with bulimia was a little different. A major reason I began to recover was because I pulled a muscle in my chest so it physically hurt to purge. But I was in a cycle of starve--binge--purge--repeat. So, while I thought I was recovering, I was really starving. I went through multiple cycles of losing a lot of weight and gaining it all back. My latest relapse was less than two years ago.

What I really wasn’t prepared for is missing the pain. Not physical, but emotional. My senior year of high school, I finally got professional help beyond a school counselor. This is when I began therapy and antidepressants and saw a major improvement in my mental health. I became more outgoing, my grades went up, and my confidence skyrocketed.

These all sound great, right? To a normal person, they are! To me, a person who lived with multiple mental illnesses from the age of 11 on, it was catastrophic. The thing about growing up with a mental illness is you don’t know who you are outside of it. I felt like a child again, searching for my passion, who I was, who I am. At age 20, I still don’t know who I am without depression.

Watching an episode of “Degrassi” the other night, I watched as a character struggled with her depression and I envied her. I miss having an excuse for irrational anger, I miss crying, I miss feeling like I’m drowning. I miss my suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I miss my eating disorder, I miss self-harm. I miss not planning for the future because I don’t plan on getting there.

It sounds ridiculous to anyone who’s never been through it but to me it makes perfect sense. Some of my fondest memories from high school are from major depressive episodes. They include drinking until I blacked out, sleeping with strangers, a lot of pot, crying in the bathroom, trying to walk to school 10 miles away from my house, sleepless nights contemplating the meaning of life, staying over at friends’ houses on nights I didn’t trust myself to be in my room alone, I could go on but it really only gets darker from there.

I miss days of starving, I miss throwing up in the bathroom and praying to God no one could hear me, I miss wearing long sleeves in summertime to hide the abuse I inflicted on myself, I miss knowing exactly how to hide that I’d been crying, I miss spending over 180 class periods my junior year in the counselor’s office.

The fact is, I am happy with the life I have now. Happier than I’d ever been. A good friend of mine said recovery is like breaking up with a toxic significant other. You can miss it, but you can never go back to it because you will always be better off without it.

I wasn’t prepared for recovery but I embrace it wholeheartedly, no matter how much I miss my self destruction. I am proud of the person I am today. February 10th used to be the hardest day of the year for me to get through, even spending a night with the Suicide Lifeline on February 10th, 2014. But in recent years, it has become my Day of Life celebration. It is to remember the bad and embrace the good.

If you or anyone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts, please contact the Suicide Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK