With the recent uproar of people defending rapists such as Brock Turner, I think it is very important for me to discuss my own experience. This is not for me. This is for every sexual assault victim out there, male or female, who has been silenced. Whose assaulter didn’t see the inside of a prison or saw it just long enough to get to know someone and then was released. This is for those who have heard “Well, what were you wearing?” This is for those who have been scared into silence because they have read the comments on the articles about different sexual assault cases where everyone is sympathizing with the assaulter and blaming the victim. I will not be silent anymore.

We’ll go through the basics. I was 14-years-old, a freshman in high school, and didn’t do much but go to school and play my trumpet. He was 22-years-old, a soldier in the Army National Guard, who seemed like a pretty decent guy. I looked up to him because I wanted to join the Army someday. To me, he was a hero. To him, I was nothing. The 14-year-old me didn’t realize that. The 14-year-old me thought we were friends. The14-year-old me didn’t see what was coming next.

I’m not going into explicit detail, but what people don’t realize is when you’re sexually assaulted, it not only damages your body, but your mind as well. As a result of the assault, I developed an eating disorder that I still struggle with to this day. I have had more suicide attempts than I would like to admit. I have more self inflicted scars than I can count. When he invaded my body, he took my will to live and ran with it. My trauma didn’t end when he finally decided to stop. To this day, I carry my trauma with me. I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, which causes me to lose sleep due to the endless nightmares. I can’t go out in public without my brain going 100 mph wondering if I’ll run into him. To this day, I still catch myself thinking “Well if I hadn’t done this it wouldn’t have happened.”

I should not be blaming myself for what I could not control.

I blame myself because when I went into the police department to make a verbal report, I was asked what I was wearing. When I told a friend what had happened, I was asked why I didn’t fight back. I blame myself because he told me that I was going to ruin his career if I told anyone. I blame myself because I was taught to blame myself. I am not the victim according to most. It doesn’t matter that my body was invaded and damaged. Boys will be boys.

Sit back and think for a moment. Think of all of the times you’ve blamed the victim. Think of all of the times you’ve heard about a sexual assault case and asked yourself what the girl might have been wearing. Think of all of the times you’ve thought someone might have been lying because to you, it just didn’t add up. You are part of the reason why we, the victims of sexual assault, are so afraid to come out about our trauma. You are part of the reason why I waited four months to say anything.

I was 14-years-old and he was 22. I was still a child and he was an adult. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I was 14. I was chubby-faced and innocent. He was 22. He had a life that he chose to mess up. I was 14. I was baited into trusting him. I said "stop." I said "no." He was 22. He chose not to listen. I did nothing wrong. It was not my fault. It was never my fault. It will never be my fault.

To those of you who have faced your own trauma, I need you to know that it is not your fault. The length of your shorts do not excuse what happened to you. If you were drunk, the assaulter still had no right to invade your body. If they were your significant other, your trauma is still valid. A relationship doesn’t give you entitlement to the other person’s body. To those who have experienced this trauma, don’t blame yourself. You are not the problem here. You are innocent. You did nothing wrong. I wish I could take your pain from you. I wish I could reverse the damage. I wish I could make things OK.

But I promise you, that once you accept what has happened to you and once you stop blaming yourself, it will get easier. I’m not going to say that your heart will beat normally when you see someone who looks like your assaulter and I’m not going to say that the nightmares will stop. But once you can get through the day without blaming yourself, your days will feel brighter. The best thing to do is forgive. And I know that sounds ridiculous. How could you forgive someone who damaged you so badly? Honestly, I’m not sure how I did it but one day I decided to just let it go. Being angry for as long as I happened to be, was doing more harm than anything.

Find hope in the fact that someday, your wounds will heal and you will find people who support you and stand by you when you have a bad day. Until that day, I will continue to advocate for sexual assault survivors. I will continue to call people out when they blame the victim. I will follow cases like Brock Turner’s and I will make it known that rapists belong in jail for more than six-months. I will continue to fight against those who try to excuse rapists by saying they had so much going for them or they were mentally ill.

Because I am a survivor, I will fight to help other people survive.

If you have been sexually assaulted and are looking for support, visit RAINN’s (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) website or call 800-656-HOPE (4673). You are not alone.