Unfortunately, we've all heard of someone who has gotten engaged and the couple never makes it to the altar. We hope and pray that this will never be us, but sometimes life happens and tragedy strikes. The last thing anyone in this position wants to do, is dismantling the wedding that they've taken months or even years to create. Whether you are in this position yourself, or you want to help someone else who is, here is a step-by-step guide on how to proceed:
Initial Greif and Dismantling the Wedding:
If you are on the receiving end of the breakup, you need to take a while to simply grieve and get your head on straight. The first few months are the worst. Unlike a normal breakup, this is going to keep coming back again and again. You'll have to talk to the flower guy, and the banquet hall, and the caterers, and the ceremony venue... the list goes on and on. You won't get your deposit back on the vast majority of these services (mid-engagement breakups happen more than you might think, that's why there are deposits), but it doesn't hurt to simply ask to be refunded. Give the ring back, or if you're the guy - sell it back (you'll be lucky to get half of what you're spent back. Diamonds have no resale value). Don't keep the ring sitting around as a constant reminder of what almost was. Then there's the relatives as well as anyone else you've already invited to the wedding. Don't feel like you need to explain what happened in detail. You do not need to keep reliving the events each time someone asks. Simply tell everyone that it didn't work out.
Mental Maintenance:
Being that you were engaged, it is likely that you two will attempt to remain friends after everything is broken off - don't. Stopping communication will be extremely difficult because of the deep ties you have in each other's lives. Your families are probably very close. You may even have a pet together, live together, or have joint finances. To start healing, you need to fully get back to being an individual as quickly as possible. Move out, get your stuff back, don't get your stuff back, whatever it takes. The longer the two of you wait to go your separate ways, the more you're going to be continuously hurt. I would highly recommend deleting/blocking them on every platform you have access to, and if you're up to it delete old photos online as well as saved to your phone/computer. You're going to quickly find that endlessly reminiscing or checking up on them is maddening. Start going the gym more, pick up extra time at work, read, meditate, get any mental health help you need right away. Anxiety medications were invented specifically for events like this, it doesn't make you stronger to decline the help that is available to you. Most insurance plans completely cover the various medications that your doctor may prescribe to you.
Breath. Wait. Live:
Unfortunately, the last step is the hardest. The grieving period tends to last significantly longer with an engagement breakup due to how tightly you were woven. Getting used to being separated, going back to being an individual, and simply coming to grips with the fact that you're not getting married takes time. Every breakup article out there will tell you that this process can take a few months, but don't feel bad for this taking longer than that. You're going to be angry, and sad, and confused... that's ok. Luckily, now you can do things they never wanted to do. Try your best not to do anything too drastic, such as moving or quitting your job/school. Many people feel the need to completely rearrange their lives in an attempt to make the pain go away faster, but these actions are often more destructive than simply accepting that life just needs to run its course. Do your best not to drink too much or too often. If you feel like you are getting into bad habits or have thoughts of hurting yourself in any way, reach out to friends and family for help. They will understand.
There's no getting around it - breakups suck. In the end, you'll be ok. You're still alive. You still have an entire story to write.
