Anyone who knows me well, or really anyone I've crossed paths with over the past few months, knows that I'm writing a thesis. I haven't been talking (or thinking!) about much else, especially now that the finished product is due in less than week. I've said again and again that I'm "in thesis hell" and I don't mean that figuratively. With the help of the artist Gustav Doré, here's a guide to the stages I've passed through, and that you will too, if you decide to write a senior thesis.

1. First Circle (Limbo)

The first stage isn’t really hell, because you’re not really working on a thesis yet. You’re also not not working on a thesis. At this point you’re thinking up ideas for what your project might be. It might feel like you're crossing a border into Real Academia, but you're really just crossing into Thesis Hell.

2. Second Circle (Lust)

You’ve settled on a topic and you’re excited about it. Like, really excited about it. It’s the classic honeymoon phase you get in any relationship. Your thesis loves you, you love it, and you want everyone to know. Even if your very public displays of thesis affection make the people around you uncomfortable.

3. Third Circle (Gluttony)

You’re starting to work on your thesis, but you still have the luxury of time. You have months before your thesis is due. Why rush anything? This is when you do the fun parts of your project. You can take as long as you like on any small detail. Sure, spend three hours coming up with a title. Take a day to space out your margins properly. You can fill in the words later on.

4. Fourth Circle (Greed)

The pressure is starting to come down. You realize you need to write. You need inspiration. Sources. Citations. Research. You start collecting it. Collecting all of it. Hoarding it. How many sources do you need? Get twice that. Now get twice that. The bibliography works toward the total page count, right?

5. Fifth Circle (Anger)

The bibliography doesn’t work toward the total page count. Everything is going wrong. Your topic needs work. The research doesn’t line up. You’ve got writer’s block. It’s all so aggravating. Why did you sign up for this? Why did you choose this major? You're furious with yourself, your thesis, and the universe.

6. Sixth Circle (Heresy)

Rules are made to be broken. You know this. So what if your department doesn’t? When thinks start to look hopeless, change the game. Who says your sociology thesis can’t be an epic poem about the rise and fall of capitalism? Who says your English senior project can’t be an interpretive dance? I mean, everyone says these things. But everyone said that the sun revolved around the Earth. You’re basically Galileo.

7. Seventh Circle (Violence)

The time has come to get violent; against the English language, that is. This is the point where you start to write frantically, getting your thoughts down on the paper as you think them. Before you think them. Maybe in that linguistic vomit there’s something you can use. Maybe if you type so hard that your keyboard breaks in half you’ll have a more metaphorical breakthrough.

8. Eighth Circle (Fraud)

Plagiarism isn’t allowed. Yeah. But the temptation is getting stronger by the day. Could it hurt to borrow some ideas? Falsify some findings? Make up some interviews? It could. But you’ve gone deep now. So deep. Would anyone really notice? (Yes.)

9. Ninth Circle (Treachery)

The ultimate betrayal. You've made a resolute effort to not get your thesis done. You've wasted so much time procrastinating in any way you can, even down to writing listicles about your thesis when you should be working on it.

But somehow, behind your own back, you've finished it. How did you? And how dare you?

At this point you've dug your way to the depth of Thesis Hell and come out the other end. You might be miles away from where you thought you'd end up, but at least the journey is over.