I am a humble servant of Mississippi State University, you know, the other other Harvard of the South. I work in circulation for the Reflector. In case you are wondering what that means, I am the paper delivery girl. I know, I know, it’s glamorous. I get my own package of rubber bands. This job entails waking up at four in the morning, putting out papers, and also picking up papers at buildings and kiosks around campus. Ok, I’ll try to stop bragging.

Usually when I am picking up papers at kiosks, I pick up anywhere from 30-90, but the past few work days, I have been picking up a whopping zero. Yes, this is shocking. The University is trying to keep it from us to prevent mass hysteria. But, I feel it’s time to let the people know.

If you are the one taking these papers, I really am not mad. It does make my job easier not having to pick up and count papers. But I am concerned. What could you possibly need to do with this all these papers? Well, I have a few ideas.

1. A Giant Papier-Mâché Project

Is it a bunch of bulldog piñatas? Is it one giant bulldog piñata? Are we gonna ride into battle? Do you know something I don’t?

2. A Head Start on Recycling

I do take the papers I pick up to the recycling center, but if you feel it’s your duty, keep up the good work, I guess.

3. Turning Them Back Into Trees

Not sure it’ll work, but I like it.

4. Build Very Flimsy And Flammable Houses

This could be a reenactment of The Three Little Pigs or just a personal dwelling. Versatile.

5. Make a Lot of Pirate Hats

For a lot of pirates.

6. Basket Weaving

It’s like underwater basket weaving except a lot less cool.

7. Decoupaging?

I’m just running out of ideas.

8. Actually Reading

Possibility. I guess time will tell.

P.S. In case you are truly worried, I have reported the issue to the appropriate person in the chain of command and will continue to distribute the papers to the North side of campus as duty calls. But for now, the mystery continues.