Since I can remember I have always been the kind of person to go from zero to sixty, and then most of the time back down to zero, with everything I attempt. I get in these head spaces where I think of a goal or idea, and rather than take the baby steps to work up to properly achieving it, I make the rookie mistake of going all in. Let's say I decide I want to start eating healthy. Rather than begin implementing healthier options and cutting back on junk food, I go from one day shoveling down Taco Bell and stacks of cookies, to the next forcing myself to drink black coffee because no sugar is allowed to enter my precious temple. When attempting to write a book (this "I can conquer the world" head space can get pretty out there) I would go from writing twenty pages in a day to not turning my computer on for a week. And more dangerously when playing the game of love, in the beginning of the week I would swear I met my soulmate, and come Friday I couldn't even be bothered to look in their direction.

I'm constantly either all in or all out, which means I can only ever begin working towards something if I feel I'm starting from scratch. For some reason I think that by beginning something and starting out unrealistically strong that is the only way I will eventually succeed, and that going at a slower pace will yield no results and only create frustration. I never want to wait for anything. And this is why New Year's has always been one of my favorite holidays. The feeling in the air when the ball dropped was similar to chopping off all your hair or finishing your last shift of a job you despised. There is so much hopefulness and relief that fills up the room, each person toasting and hugging, going into the new year with a clean slate and positive attitude. So many events take place within a year. So many new relationships are formed with others we may not have known in the year prior. It is exhilarating to think of all the life altering instances that have yet to come that are awaiting our arrival. But the difference between this year and last year? I am eliminating the chance for my unrealistic expectations of myself to inevitably be broken.

I always find myself creating the same resolutions and swearing they begin on the first day of the new year, however these resolutions are fated to become broken promises because they are not goals that can actually be achieved. For instance, I always vow to myself that I will finally be a happy person in the new year. That I will wake up everyday thankful for another viewing of the blue sky or the wind playing with my hair. That I will no longer misdirect my anger at my family or isolate myself from my friends when I get sad. That when I procrastinate to the point where my anxiety is through the roof, or I am seemingly fucking up everything I give a shot, I will not tell myself I am a heaping pile of garbage, but rather giving myself a pep talk that I can achieve anything I set my mind to. This goal to "become happy", I paint it to be similar to the goal of taking a walk every morning. I act like it is an event that will suddenly occur if I just "be happy". But things like happiness do not just come along if you start eating healthier or telling yourself you are worth something.

To be honest, I am not sure if happiness as a constant state even actually exists. It sounds like some ideal everyone is working towards but nobody can actually ever achieve, except for people that preach to us less fortunate wanderers that they have found it, when in reality it is just a passing emotion. Sadness passes. Anger passes. Happiness comes, yet it also passes. I vow to accept the fleetingness of emotions this year, and not hyper-focus for a temporary time on goals that only result in disappointment and self-doubt. I want to live my life as exactly that, MY life, not some version of reality that the majority decided is suited for all. The suffocation of the natural feelings that come with humanity will only cause further distance from discovering who I am hidden beneath, at the root of all this bullshit. Past the goals. Past the desires. Past the ideals that will never correlate with who I am, but rather who I wish I was born as in another life. This year I will accept what lay in front of me, rather than what I believe can be dealt to me by the universe if I push myself hard enough. Good things often take time to grow. Bad things are always happening in no time at all, and I will take extra care to consider that the next time I begin writing one of my shitty novels.