Ever since I was a child, I thought I was an extrovert. I always surrounded myself with the company of others. I thrived on the feeling of making someone smile, and in return, smiling because of someone else. It was an amazing feeling to feel energized and rejuvenated from someone’s simple kind gesture or contagious laugh. I was always around others. Whether it was in school, on the soccer field, or just hanging out with friends, I never wanted to be left alone.
All of these memories are used in the past tense because with maturity and heightened realization, my true identity began to unravel and my true introverted self began to unfold. Society gradually chipped away at my once extroverted self. Perception of myself altered. I became shy. I often did not participate in group activities, and a result, I began to embrace alone time. ‘How did this happen?’ You may ask. Well, if you ever heard of the never ending controversy of nature versus nurture, in my case nurture had triumphed. My 'awkward' teenage years were not easy to overcome. I was not the prettiest human that God planted on this earth, to say the least. I had a pizza-face full of acne, a full set of braces (that lasted four years), and a big German head. I was a laughing stock. Now—image does not define your identity by any means. But for a young girl at the age of 13, I was just beginning to develop into a woman and attempting to feel comfortable in my own skin. It was hard for me to look in the mirror and question why God had done this to me. But what was harder was society rejecting me even further. My friends, and even family sometimes, made horrible jokes about my appearance. I would laugh along, and then go in my room to cry alone.
At this moment, I became an introvert. In the following years, my awkward teen phase finally past, the braces finally came off, and my acne finally cleared up. All was well—except for one thing. This emotional time in my life had socially scarred me. I now depended on myself for happiness, instead of looking to others. Now, I naturally wanted to stay home and watch movies, instead of socializing with new friends. It was all an aftermath and a huge domino effect that many kids experience, but don’t fully understand. I still don’t quite understand it myself. All I know is that I like to sit in my room and hear the deafening silence. I relish in writing, reading, or listening to music by myself. I revel in hearing myself think through a situation. And I sure do love lying in my bed by myself, closing my eyes, and relaxing without any outside distractions.
Maybe it is merely a stage I am currently experiencing, but I am a true believer in how the past affects the present world so deeply. Without consciously realizing it, so many of my past experiences (even dating back to my very youth) profoundly affect who I am today. And everything I experience today, will affect who I am tomorrow. It is a never ending cycle of society transforming our being into someone we aren't supposed to be.
