Each time we find ourselves in a new place in life, there is always an initial fear that we won't fit in, or that others will not understand us. I think there is something very human about this, and it explains much of why we cling to true friendships for as long as we can. Being in a new environment, though, often implies having no old friendships to cling to. It brings to mind the image of the first day of kindergarten or grade school and the feeling of being completely alone. How do we even approach making new friends, and what will these friendships look like and mean to us?
"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything." - Muhammad Ali
The late, great Ali certainly had a point, didn't he? Friendship is an enigma and yet something so universal. Everyone wants friends, but no one is really sure of the right way to make them. I don't necessarily think there is a right way to make new friends. For me, and perhaps others, though, the following provides common ground regarding friendship:
"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
If we take friends to mean those, considered equal in all ways, who we can walk through life with, then a clearer path emerges to making such friends. As one of the great existentialist thinkers of his time, Camus would, perhaps, have pointed to the concept of "authenticity" as the foundation of making true friendships. This is where I will begin, expounding from there with insights from myself, as well as students I have spoken to about their experiences making friends in a completely new place.
Be Authentic
As a philosophical term, authenticity refers to something, or in the case of this discussion, someone, who is completely true to their inherent nature. I find this relevant simply because if you are not true to yourself, you cannot expect others to be true to you. Authenticity is worth mentioning first because no other advice about making friends can stand without this centerpiece. While the "just be yourself" trope is worn out in today's society, I cannot overstate the importance of resisting the urge to be what you perceive others want you to be. Anyone who asks you to change your personality or interests for them is just as likely to change themselves for others.
Listen First, Speak Last
Some of the best advice I ever received about how to fit into a new place was something along these lines. Listening, and more specifically deep listening is by far one of the most important skills to have when making new friends. Often we find ourselves listening to people in our daily lives only to bide our time until it is our turn to speak. This is not deep listening. Deep listening is the act of truly engaging with what someone else is saying not only so that you know what to say next, but so that you understand fully where another person is coming from. A true friend, be that you, or whoever you are trying to befriend, will take however long is necessary, asking as many questions as necessary, to fully comprehend the other before responding themselves.
Get Involved
This addresses making friends on a more practical level. If you are anything like me, you probably struggle to some degree with social anxiety. Initiating conversation with strangers and even acquaintances you may have met before can be particularly challenging. An easy fix to this (in my experience) is to put yourself in existing social situations where you cannot avoid being in contact with people. This can take many forms, especially in a collegiate environment. In talking to some upperclassmen students at Skidmore College, it was relayed to me that the best decision they made was to get involved as early as possible with pre-orientation programs and school-sponsored clubs and organizations. This serves the dual purpose of providing a low-pressure environment to make friends, while exploring things that interest you. Remember to be authentic: don't sign up for a club or organization that you have no actual interest in being a part of or learning more about.
"Give What You Want The Most"
I attribute the quote above to Vanessa Stone, a spiritual and intellectual leader, who believes that growth and development between yourself and others are intrinsically linked to the work you do in the world. Outside of an academic setting, friendships (and fulfillment in general) can be found through service to one's community. I would argue, in fact, that some of the most lasting and impactful friendships are made through the bond of service. Find a local cause that speaks to you and volunteer some of your time to it when you can. It doesn't have to become your life's work, but it will help you develop a deeper connection and sense of ownership to the new community you find yourself in.
Be Patient
This last bit of advice probably seems the most obvious, but it was interestingly the thing that the upperclassmen students I spoke to stressed most. In talking with them, they emphasized the importance of not being discouraged in your first semester, and even the first year of college when it comes to making friends. Additionally, one student mentioned that the first friends you make may not necessarily end up being your best friends, but that you should try and maintain those connections all the same. Another student offered the advice that you shouldn't try to "force it" when it comes to friends by sticking with a group you don't have much in common with. She went on to say it's worth it to find your niche, even if it takes some time.
