I am a normal human being. I go to school, I have a cat, and I take year-long showers to think of better things I could have said in my fourth-grade argument with a bully.

And just like every human being, I despise waking up early. Especially during summer.

"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise." is a famous quote from Benjamin Franklin or Edison or someone, meaning you should sleep early and then wake up early and life will be good.

I am here to report that this is a BIG FAT LIE.

(I never know why we use fat to describe a lie when it's not a physical object or has any shape at all but I freaking love it.)

When I got back home from college, I was quickly forced into going to work and not being a "poor and lazy slug" as my mother so lovingly put it, so I did. Retail. Nice place, loud music, hot people... I thought it could be fun. Silly me.

WHAT THEY WON'T TELL YOU ABOUT A JOB is that you never know what hours you work until you're assigned them. Which means, this girl is now working from 5:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. For those of you that are a little slow on the pickup, "a.m." means the morning, also known as the time that every human who has half a brain spends asleep.

Not me.

Oh no, I set my alarm for 4 a.m. and drive-through fog and cold darkness playing the radio of lame songs and podcasts that are grateful to have one listener, and I cry.

I don't really cry, because I'm not a pansy, but I have to tell you that even if you're a health nut or fitness person or want to make money or whatever, never wake up this early. I don't care if successful people are all up before 7.

Guess what? I'd rather be a lazy WELL RESTED slug, than a rich person who goes to bed at a decent hour.

Even though I'm off of work by noon and supposedly get the rest of the day to do whatever I want, I always spend it napping and praying that I will never have to wake up that early again. That doesn't seem good, or healthy.

At 4 a.m., maybe you think that I pop out of bed and feel like I'm actually making an effort? Spending my time well? No. I am plotting ways to kill myself so I don't have to make it to work.

I arrive at work not a second early, because I don't want to spend any extra time there, and I clock in quickly if I can even read the computer screen through my lack of sleep. Am I any help to the company? Probably not. Do they still want me there? I SUPPOSE SO.

In all honesty, at work, I try to think of different ways I might get injured so I can get workers comp and live off of that for the rest of my life but so far no tall ladders have broken with me on them or anything. Unfortunate.

I need retirement. I need a pension. I need sleep.

If you read this, this is my warning to you. Never wake up before 9 a.m. at the earliest. Never get a stupid job that requires you to be ready for action at 5 a.m. unless it's being a superhero, which means you work full time.

I think. I don't know; I'm tired.

After you read this, take a nap. And after that nap, get a snack and then take a second nap. Life is short. Spend it asleep.