Sometimes I think I make fun of girls too often; particularly sorority girls. But then I see a long line of potential new members during rush week, as they eagerly await their pumpkin spice lattes at Starbucks, and then I think otherwise.
However, in what has become a tired cliché of referring to these walking billboards for Apple products and Starbucks as “basic white girls,” I think it is finally time to lay off these girls for a while. Well, at least for one article.
Gentlemen, somewhere along the lines of our 18 to 22 years of testosterone-filled, kick butt approach that we call our life, we too have started to become basic and white. Before we delve deeper into the abyss that is basic whiteness for guys, here’s what we need to do to put an end to this. Otherwise, our futures are all destined for lame Dad jokes and being in denial about the seemingly one-way, inverse relationship between the size of our gut and the hairs on our head.
You know exactly what I’m talking about -- close shaved on the sides and the back of the head, but keeping it long on the top so it looks like you have a strategically placed mop on the middle of your head, which is totally convenient if you like to do headstands to clean your floor.
You know who else rocks this haircut? Kim Jong Un, the guy who eats freedom for breakfast and poops out a giant turd of totalitarian dictatorship over North Korea? Or perhaps worse than him, Justin Bieber, and his holy hair that is most likely made of girls’ tears and maple syrup, also has or has had this haircut. So you pretty much hate America if you have this haircut. You might as well just kill a bald eagle and sing, "O’Canada," while you’re at it. And before I forget, Google an image of Phil and Lil from Rugrats and look me straight in the face with your communist eyes and tell me that you’re not rocking the exact same haircut they were back in the '90s.
2. Stop saying “bruh” and “squad.” In what can only be described as the male version of, “can’t even,” bruh has cemented itself into the vocabulary of douche bags all across the country. These said bags of douches also seem to have a tendency to post pictures of themselves and their close male friends on social media, referring to themselves as the squad, and it seems like the internet and social media is the main culprit for this stupid slang becoming popular. So do us a favor internet, stick to what you were made for and just give us boobs and anonymous social forums to troll super religious people.
3. No more calf-high socks and flip-flops. You’re not a high school athlete anymore. Your athletic goals and aspirations have long been crushed by the weight of trying to maintain a long distance relationship with your high school girlfriend, and the actual weight gained from cheap beer and student meal plans. So, let’s stop spending $20 for a pair of mid-calf Nike socks to match your Nike flip flops, because this is college, where all athletic dreams and abilities go to die. Plus, you just look really freaking stupid like that. Bonus points for whiteness and basicness if the Nike socks are neon.
4. You don’t need to go everywhere with a group of guys. Ever notice that when you are out and about on the town, there are usually multiple congregations of guys walking around? Girls may get a lot of crap for going everywhere together, but guys do it, too. At least for girls, there’s an excuse for them to go everywhere together, because there’s a lot of sickos out there, and they need to hold each other’s hair back when one of them starts puking after a night out. Plus, I hear the girl’s bathroom is where they worship a giant Beyonce statue that’s made out of pizza.
Guys, what’s our excuse? Are we afraid to look like a loner if we go out by ourselves and let what everyone else is doing dictate our own night? Is it like high school again, and you’re gonna be that guy who doesn’t sit at his lunch table until the rest of his friends get there? I understand wanting to be social and with a group of people is natural but dammit, guys, we’re acting just like the girls! However, I like to think that we don’t have a need to go to the bathroom together. Although, we could all use a little help aiming sometimes.
