One of my best friends dad plays in a really good cover band. And because I cannot resist the temptation to “Boogie Oogie” and “Shake My Booty”, I just so happened to find myself getting down on the dance floor amongst of flock of middle aged-lovebirds this past Tuesday.
My friends and I watched as at least a dozen married couples twist and twirled the night away as we danced in an awkward triangle looking so out of place.
As the music blared and my friend’s dad belted his soulful croons, I couldn’t help myself staring at the couples around me and being infatuated with their love. A kind of love I want for myself one day. I want a Tuesday-night-dancing-on-a-patio kind of love.
I joke with my friends all of the time that I’ll probably never get married, which is okay… but not okay. Whenever I say that I don’t want to get married it almost always means "I really want to get married but I like being single, I’m still working on me and I have so many insecurities that makes me uncomfortable in social settings, and I feel anxious all of sudden… now I’m rambling… k, bye.”
I’m in the phase of my life where all of my friends from undergrad are flooding my Facebook timeline with wedding and engagement photos and I’m still third wheeling to their wedding receptions. At 24, I find myself juggling a full course load in grad school, an assistantship and an internship. However, in three short months, I’ll no longer have the guise of being “too busy for love”. It’s time to face what’s really keeping me from experiencing true love.
I’m used to being single
I wish I could tell you I was the hotshot, playboy, playa-pimp in college; however, I’ll be lying to both you and myself if I did. I was still the chubby, funny, forever stuck in the friend zone kid that I was in high school. I allow myself to be that guy because I’m comfortable being that guy. I never really allowed myself to feel rejection. I definitely shot my shot a couple of times, but I’d honestly rather keep my feelings inside until I know for sure there is mutual attraction. I’ll probably never get married if I don’t learn to put my self out there. I suppose the worst that can happen is a missed free throw.
I’m still working on me
Whenever I’m asked why am I still single, I always reply with the meanest side eye “I’m working on me”. “I’m working on me” may sound like I’m working on my career or that I’m trying finish school; but, in all actually, it means I’m working out every insecurity warring on the inside of me. Like many other 20-somethings, I am still in school, I work part time jobs, I don’t entirely feel comfortable in my skin yet. I feel anxious and stressed all of the time and I haven’t quite found the peace and tranquility of a monk. How can I manage a relationship? I’ll probably never get married until after I fully come into my own. Right now, I’m a hot mess on the struggle express. Now is definitely not the time for me to be thinking about marriage, and that’s ok.
I’m afraid to love
I’ve been hurt before; I don’t know express myself; I’m afraid to let people in and every other cliché excuse as to why people are afraid to love. What it comes down to is that I’m afraid to share the parts of myself with someone that makes me feel vulnerable and exposed. When you’re in a relationship, you no longer have secrets (or at least you shouldn’t have secrets). Every thought, every feeling suddenly becomes a shared experience with the person you’re in a relationship with. Some days, I don’t even have the strength to carry my own emotional baggage. I don’t think I’m strong enough to carry someone else’s at the moment. However, being in love requires that kind of strength. I’ll probably never get married if I don’t release some of my own baggage.
At the end of the day, I know that I’m not in the best place emotionally, physically and even financially to be in a relationship—let alone thinking about marriage, and it’s ok. I know that once everything else falls into place, my love life will gradually fall into place. Until then, my mom still loves me.
