For all of my life, I have been blessed and cursed with being a very humble person. Now I think of this trait of mine as both a blessing and a curse simply because, in many situations, it is something that builds me up, and tears me down.
My eighth grade social studies teacher described it perfectly when he said that, "I could the smartest person in the room, but I would never ever believe it myself." This degree of humbleness often comes in handy, since it keeps my ego in check and provides me with motivation the be better. However, this same humbleness has been my worst enemy in too many ways. In similar situations when I wouldn't think of myself being the smartest in the room, I often resort to thinking of myself as one of the dumbest, least-talented, or least whatever.
When it comes to being humble and modest, it is certainly a double-edged sword that needs to be handled with care.
It's good to be self-aware.
All around me, I have always seen people who, just by looking or talking to them, are full of themselves and straight up egotistical. Now I know that there's a line between being confident and being cocky, but I'm sure that we all have known people who crossed the line and are simply jerks.
This is when my humbleness comes into play but in a good way. I'm always conscious of how I present myself to people, and the last thing I would want to do is come off as self-centered. It's never been an issue of what the other person might think of me, but rather about how I think of me, and the last thing I want to think of myself is a self-absorbed person.
This type of positive self-awareness has also proven to be a sufficient motivator for me. I also observe what I'm doing right in certain situations and what I'm doing that could be improved upon. This comes in handy in school and just everyday life; Being able to take an objective look at yourself and say "I could be better."
Don't let self-awareness become self-deprecation.
Unfortunately, the level of self-awareness that I have has done a lot more damage than good. With my extreme level of humbleness, I have the tendency to never really acknowledge when I do well, and to overly dwell on when I fall short.
This ultimately results in a recipe for long stretches of low self esteem. I was never bullied or picked on whatsoever in school, however, there were times when I felt like I was my worst enemy.
This sort of negative mindset manifests itself in many areas of my life. From taking tests and always doubting the answers I put, to constantly fixating on all of my flaws and shortcomings and thinking to myself, "why aren't you better?" Giving myself credit for what I accomplish has been an issue for so long. I would always comparing my work to my peers, rather than just basking in my own success.
Overall, it has taken me a long time to not only realize my own internal struggle, but to find some way to resolve it. I can't say I've passed all the hurdles now, but I can say that college has given me an environment where I never feel like I have to compare myself to others. I still have a long way to go before I can be 100% confident in myself and my abilities, but I'm most definitely confident in the future.
