I'm the kind of person who loves to be needed. I love feeling like I'm being helpful to others like they need me, and while my love is often translated by supporting others and trying to help out with whatever is going on, I'm realizing perhaps I put a little too much weight in being needed.

My supervisor at Denver Rescue Mission had our team take an Enneagram test— a personality test that dives into the way you work as a human being and how to grow in a manner that is healthy for the kind of person you are. Obviously, no two people are exactly alike, but it's surprising how accurate these things can be.

I'm not entirely sure yet which "type" I am, exactly, but I have a good inkling, and reading through some Enneagram materials has led me to the realization that I highly emphasize being needed as a reflection of my worth. I think I struggle a lot with allowing relationships to control my sense of self and value in the world, and ceaselessly striving to meet others' needs, while also (hopefully) out of love, might denote a bit of an issue.

Being an intern has been awesome, and I love getting to learn about the program; my team has certainly let me take the reins on lots of things, and I'm really grateful for an internship that puts me on the front line of helping people. However, I've noticed of myself that I've started to feel kind of down when I'm not necessarily "needed" at the office (I work the Hospitality Desk), especially with many new staff hires that have happened recently.

I'm treated very well, and often it gets busy and I get to help out, but it's just inevitable that I won't be needed sometimes. And I've noticed myself getting sulky about it— and not because I'm bored. The past couple of weeks, I'm realizing that I bolster myself by helping others, that being needed might be a huge place of purpose in my heart.

Of course, helping others is beautiful, and every human has a purpose and contribution to the planet, but is it really healthy for me to find my value in how much I can help people? I really don't think so…

Firstly, at the end of the day, if my goal is to try to help people— even to the point of trying to "fix" whatever is wrong in their lives— what happens when I can't do that? Because the Lord certainly knows I don't have the power to fix everything, or even very much beyond my own choices and actions. If I'm putting a lot of my own worth into my success in being needed, in being helpful, what happens when I'm not needed or helpful?

Well, I feel like a wet rag. A wet rag who doesn't know her value can't come from her actions.

Secondly, it's kind of presumptuous of me to think I'm really All That and am always going to be needed by everyone around me. I have to tell myself to chill. I'm just a human being, and while I believe I'm loved beyond measure and have a unique and loving purpose in this world, I'm not capable of being any more than just a human being.

Oops. Erika! You did it again. You thought you could be bigger than you've been made to be.

Moving forward, I'm going to try to catch myself being needy for neediness. I'm going to try to help and love without expecting in return. I'm going to seek joy in doing what I can and leaving it at that. Wish me luck!