As I was sat down in the middle of a frozen yogurt shop, trying to rekindle a friendship that had recently fallen off, I had an epiphany. What I realized, was that I did not push her away over the months for practical reasons, but because I was sick of being around someone who I was comparing my goals to. Someone who made me feel like all the things that I was doing to reach a similar goal, weren't enough. But I also realized none of that was her fault.
I know what you're thinking, but no, i'm not the type of friend that always tries to one up you. I'm actually considered by many to be a pretty humble person. However, that's exactly why it kills me inside to feel the need to compare myself to everyone and everything.
In the least "braggy" way, I have always considered myself fairly good at almost everything that I attempt. This has lead me to develop the need to compare certain things I do with others. And I usually don't feel satisfied until i've somehow proven to myself that I am doing as good as, or even better than that person. And if that's sounds exhausting, that's because it is!
A few examples of this include me comparing my eating habits to others, my life goals, my hobbies, my workout routine, etc... As you can imagine, this has put a lot of strain on some of my close relationships. Jealousy consumes me and I can't help but feel as if I am never doing enough when i'm around that person or seeing their Instagram posts.
I believe that this need that I have for self validation and the idea of reaching accomplishments that are infinite, partly stem from the vast content of social media platforms. I think that living a life in which I am constantly bombarded with all the most beautiful, talented and funny people in the world, I have become someone who is searching endlessly to achieve peak performance in a extremely wide range of different things.
Of course, this goes hand-in-hand with other aspects of my personality, which is why some others don't experience this extreme feeling of competition. But what I need to realize, is that I can't be everyone at the same time. I'm one person, and i'm good at the things that I am meant to be good at. I shouldn't try to force myself to be a certain way solely based on my personal comparison.
I am working towards one day not pushing people away just because I become jealous of their goals. I hope I can stop comparing myself to everyone that I come in connection with. And I hope that if you read this and you feel the same endless struggle for affirmation, by yourself or others, that you use this as a wake up call to appreciate the skills and beauty that you were given.
