This topic has been discussed, written about, and heard over and over again. Yet, here we are - one more article about what it’s like to be a woman and what sexual abuse leads to.
Cat-calling and harassment on the street are just the beginning. In every woman’s upbringing, they are affected by a world dominated by the male gaze. Ask yourself, when you want to go out to a bar, or stroll along the river, or perhaps just find adventures, do you have to think about who you will be with, where you will be, how you will get home etc?
Do you have an app like “find your friends” on your phone that allows you to see exactly where your friends are on the map at any point in the day and vice versa? Do you give the address of a first or second date to your friends so that they know where you’re going? Do you bring friends with you to public bathrooms in clubs to make sure that no one will follow you into the toilet?
Do you think and calculate whether going down a particular street or neighborhood would be worth it? You guessed it, you if said yes to these questions you are a woman and you are a woman that has always lived with these questions in your mind since you were a pre-teen.
Comedian Louis CK comically nails what most women feel on a daily basis (2:30- 4:05)
The problem here is that like most things, everyone is aware of these issues. Everyone knows about male dominated gaze, and everyone knows about these inequalities. Yet still these problems persist. Perhaps it’s because men have never truly understood what it means for us women to live our daily lives. In many cases, they most likely have not felt the uncomfortable up-and-down look that cuts into your soul and makes you feel naked.
They have never truly feared that someone in that bar or club was going to put something in their drink to take advantage of them. And, perhaps it’s because women continue to accept the status-quo – that men are a bunch of animals that can’t be tamed and it’s up to us to be the intelligent ones.
Well, I personally argue that that is no way to live your life. A woman is never “asking for it” when she decides to wear something that makes her feel confident and sexy, and a woman should not have the burden of these constant thoughts.
According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, one in five women and one in 71 men will be raped at some point in their lives. Sarah Gompers, a junior at Portland State University is one of those five women who has had to deal with the ongoing battle of abuse.
She is one of many courageous victims that speak out about her experiences and has wholeheartedly given her story to Odyssey in hopes that it will help and inspire others – those who are victims, and those who still deny the impacts of sexual abuse.
This is her story:
“The night I was raped started out like any normal night might have. I borrowed an outfit from a friend that made me feel sexy and confident. I pre-gamed with tequila for some liquid courage and went to the bars with a couple of friends. When I arrived at the bar I met up with one of my good friends and we got to talking, had a few more drinks and decided to part ways with everyone and head home to hang out and smoke a joint. When we got back to his place I admittedly knew I was more drunk than I had previously thought, but I felt I was in a safe place with a guy I could trust who had French fries in the freezer if I needed a snack to sober me up. I took a couple tokes and ended up falling asleep on the couch with him. When I woke up I wasn’t on the couch – I was in his bed which someone roughly penetrating me. I must have passed out again because when I next woke I realized I had to go to the bathroom so I got up and walked out of the room to pee. It wasn’t until I had walked out of the bathroom into the living room that the situation dawned on me. My friend was still asleep on the couch. I felt a giant wave of confusion so I stumbled back into the bedroom and lied next to my rapist. I remember saying in a very drunk and very confused tone, “*friends name* how could you be here if your laying on the couch out there?” He replied with, “No, I’m Will.” – A complete stranger that I had never met before. At that point I felt like my entire life was crashing down around me. I have never wanted to disappear from a situation more in my entire life. I closed my eyes and felt myself sinking into the bed and willed myself to sleep.”
Sarah continues:
“It seems to me that most of the time, if ever when talking about rape, we hear the story and then that's that. If there is one thing I can stress is the importance of what happens in the following days, weeks and months and years of the victim. I was stripped of who I was that night. I woke up the next day as a person who wanted to hide from everyone, including myself. I stopped taking care of myself, of my relationships and all of the things in my life that brought me joy. It took me leaving school, months of therapy and countless nights of crying in my Mom’s arms for me to get back to a place in which I began to feel like myself again. And even after I began getting my life back on track, I relapsed. I let my past demons creep back into my life when I felt most vulnerable and I had to fight like hell to get my life back.
It’s been a little over a year and a half since my sexual assault. I’ve talked to my family, friends, professionals, made a video that I shared with the public and have participated in facilitated panel discussions. I have days in which it seems like I’m completely removed from the situation. I feel like it was another lifetime ago and I have moved on so much that I have overcome it. Then there are days when I’m hit with the burden of my past. I’m faced with debilitating fear and depression and it consumes me so much that I’m terrified I’ll never be understood or accepted or treated well. What has helped me the most to get past these horrible moments is communication – The people along the way that have inspired me in their journeys and offer words of comfort and understanding. And trust me I have faced people who have told me it was my fault for drinking and smoking marijuana. But overcoming negativity is just another stepping-stone in life.
I truly believe things happen for a reason. And as horrible as this experience was, it has ultimately given me the courage to stand up for myself. As well as a community of individuals who like warriors fight every day to overcome similar situations as myself.”
This story, just like so many out there is heartbreaking and daunting. Yet according to NSVRC, one in five women and one in 16 men are sexually assaulted while in college, and more than 90 percent of sexual assault victims on college campuses do not report the assault. How are those numbers OK? How do we make those numbers go down? I believe that the first step is awareness.
Awareness of these statistic and stories like Sarah’s. Then, that awareness has to be shared constantly and discussed all the time, not only when there is a story on the news for a day that then becomes forgotten. The world is not perfect, and it never will be. Still, the least we can do as compassionate and moral citizens is keep fighting this issue.
Say something when you see a woman being cat-called. Speak up when you see someone harassing another. Do something as a human being that has a mother, sister, aunt, grandchild, or niece to stop this cycle. Your actions can and will make a difference in someone’s life, and you never know – perhaps you could even save someone from the pain, shame, and demons that those like Sarah now have to live with.
To watch Sarah’s video:
“Sexual assault isn’t something to be taken lightly. I have talked to countless men and women who’ve been affected by rape. In listening to each one of their stories – Their actual assault, their processing of what happened and their journey to recovery – I have seen so much bravery and have become so grateful for a community I never thought I’d be a part of.”
