Some of you may have clicked on this article for the wrong reason. Although the title may have misled you, I am fully clothed and only have slight anxiety while I write this.
Naked and Afraid is a reality television show on the Discovery Channel. This is one of my father's favorite programs and one that is constantly playing at our household. While at home this summer I have caught the general gist of the show and allowed myself to ponder what would happen if I were a contestant.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, it is a documentary-series that pairs two strangers together to take on the wilderness, completely naked, for 21 days. The pair must find their own food, clothes, and protection amidst the elements during these three weeks. Although I’m not sure how hygienic this is, it is entertaining despite what you may be thinking.
Each of the contestants is given a satchel, map, diary, and a personal camera (for when the camera crew is not around). They are also able to bring one personal item into the wild with them. The camera crew cannot intervene or talk to the contestants unless it is a matter of life or death.
Based upon the contestant’s prior experiences in life they are given a score out of ten, which is called the primitive survival rating. This score reflects how well the producers think this contestant will fare in the show.
If I were a contestant on this show I think it would play out similar to this:
On this episode of Naked and Afraid:
Contestant: Taylor Bradburn
Primitive Survival Rating: 2. This score was formulated out of the contestant's overall lack of coordination, intense fear of all bugs and spiders, and need for a therapeutic pillow at night. Her skills include cooking Kraft Mac and Cheese, tying knots using the bunny ear method, and coloring inside the lines.
The personal item that this contestant has chosen as their one lifeline to civilization is her signed copy of Aaron Carters CD, Aarons Party. Despite our multiple reminders that there will be no CD players or electricity on this trip the contestant chose to bring this item. Bradburn was quoted saying, “I bring Aaron with me wherever I go. I know I can complete this challenge with his help." Right on and best of luck to her.
The contestant was dropped into the thick forests of Michigan’s Upper Peninsula earlier this morning. After lying in the fetal position and crying for several hours, Bradburn rose in search of shelter. Her partner and herself began the trek to find a home, but after listening to Bradburn sing Cheerleader for a half an hour straight, he tapped out of the competition.
She continues this journey alone and was quoted saying “Is there a McDonalds anywhere around here?”
After wandering in circles for hours, refusing to use the map that was given to her, she found herself at home under a big Oak tree. She made a makeshift blanket from several dead leaves and feel asleep.
Shocking to the producers and viewers alike, Bradburn slept until 11 am the following day, totaling over 12 hours of sleep. She spent most of the early afternoon in search of food- she found none, or none she was willing to eat. While on the search she passed several small streams containing fish but deemed them "uneatable".
5 pm. The contestant is in hysterics due to a spider bite she has found on her leg. She has been crying for half an hour and has decided to quit the competition stating that; “No one should have to live like this, not even like super bad people.”
Bradburn goes down in history as possibly one of the worst contestants in the show's history.
Well there you have it, my stint as a survivalist. It was short-lived and imaginary, but at least I’ll always have my Aaron Carter CD.
Party of the month? No, Party of the year.
