To be honest, I think it all started with my ex-boyfriend. My ex was my boyfriend throughout high school. My first real love, and, as you may guess, my first real heartbreak. When we began our relationship during my freshman year, I was a pretty confident girl. Shy, but still pretty confident. Falling in love with him felt like a movie, as cheesy as it sounds. It was the type of relationship I had dreamed of ever since I was a Disney-obsessed 9-year-old. But sadly, this was real life, and there wasn't a happy ending.
My ex cheated on me. Not once, not twice, but about six times that I know of. I think the insecurity came after the first time, because what confident girl would stay with a guy for four years despite constant cheating? Being cheated on hurts a person. I'm sure many people would have had the strength to think "I don't deserve this" and to get out of it. However, I was not that person. As soon as I found out, I began blaming myself.
Because he cheated sexually, I blamed my body.
The first time, he was cheating on me with two girls. I began comparing myself to them, trying to understand why I wasn't enough. I told myself that girl one's chest was bigger and she's skinnier, and girl two was curvier. This started a continuous struggle in my head of obsessively going in-between trying to be skinnier or trying to be curvier. I couldn't accept myself at all, I had to be something else.
Ever since then, I have the same mentality. That's almost six years of insecurity. I convince myself that my body is too big, but somehow also too small. I tell myself my body is too soft, but yet also not soft enough. And let me tell you, this is so hard to deal with. Constantly wanting to change towards one extreme or the other, without learning to see anything positive about what I am.
After being cheated on with his exes and so many other different girls, I started comparing myself to others. All of them, even strangers. This habit continues to this day. I compare myself to strangers and even my current boyfriend's exes. As unhealthy as I know it is, I struggle to refrain from it.
Insecurity is now a part of my daily routine.
I criticize my body as I see myself get dressed in the mirror. I get into arguments with my boyfriend because it's so hard for me to accept his compliments. I have a hard time making new friends because it hurts to compare myself to them.
But I'm getting so tired of this. Habits can be so hard to break, but I'm hoping to try. The start of this new semester is inspiring me to work harder on building healthier habits. I want to learn to accept myself rather than trying to change. I want to start complimenting myself each time I have a negative thought. I want to teach myself that my body is healthy, worthy, and loveable. It's time for me to move past assigning blame and focus on loving myself.