My Struggle With Anorexia

My Struggle With Anorexia

It wasn't easy but I got through it.
Valerie
Valerie
645
views

I’m going to tell my story, not for people to have pity on me or feel sorry for me but just to tell it, just to explain what that part of my life was like, and to help others.

I was anorexic for 3 years, it was throughout my whole middle school and beginning of high school career. I don’t think I meant for it to turn into what it did, but since I was little I was bullied for my weight; I was never fat, I guess I just could have been skinnier. I was bullied by kids at school but mostly my dad had the biggest impact on me about my weight. My dad once told me “if you’re fat you’re not going to have any friends” He would make me play as many sports as I could and sent me to active summer camps to see if I could come back by the end of it and be skinner, but to him I always just looked the same.

That impact took a huge toll on me mentally and made me think that because I loved eating and loved food that I would never be able to lose weight. I was eating healthy, but it wasn't making a difference. So I thought by cutting my portions, and eating less it would help me loose a little bit of weight, and then that turned into not eating at all.

I remember I liked this boy in the eighth grade, and my best friend at the time had told me that he would never like me if I didn’t lose weight, she said I was too chubby for a boy too like me. But with my “best friend” at the time filling my head with negative thoughts and my dad always saying “are you sure you want to eat that”, just really made me hate how I looked and made me just hate myself in general. I was so young too feel the hatred I did towards myself, it was really sad.

There was a lot to my routine I had and here it is: My mom would make me breakfast every morning but I would purposely make myself late so that right when I went to take a bite out of my breakfast I had to go run and catch the bus. I had to eat a little bit so my stomach wouldn’t grumble a lot during the morning but I barley ate anything. Then came lunch, my mom at the time would pack me a lunch, I basically only ate the fruit or drank some juice and then wouldn’t eat my sandwich or whatever she gave me that day. I didn’t want to waste food so I would just give it to my friends. My stomach would grumble all day long but to control it I just drank a lot of water to make my stomach feel full and the longer I went without eating the more I learned to control it. Dinner was the hardest to get around since my whole family was watching me at the table. I sadly learned a trick, if you move your food around and scatter it throughout the plate it makes it seem like you ate more then you actually did. I had to take a couple bites because If I didn’t it would look suspicions but time by time I got better at it.

Weeks went by and I started to lose a ton of weight, but I was still never happy with myself. I started to feel weak and got extremely pale. I was also on the cross country and track team so I would over exercise and not eat which was even worse. My mom finally realized something was wrong when I started to get really pale, since I’m originally not. I had this unhealthy, sickly color to my face, so basically my mom knew something was wrong and was watching me like a hawk which made it even harder to do what I was doing.

She never thought I would be anorexic because I loved food. Months went by and I had gotten extremely skinny, all you saw was bone. She took me to the doctor and he basically said in front of her that I was anorexic, she forced my dad to come so he could see that he has caused this. The doctor said I could die if I didn’t start to eat because my weight was not appropriate with my height. It took me a while but I slowly got back into it, I got help even though I was stubborn about it but I knew I had to get better.

To this day my dad doesn’t believe that he was the cause of my anorexia. I know he was but I don’t blame him for it. I thank him in a way because that experience made me who I am today. I love food so much now and I try to stay as fit as possible and eat healthy but everything is okay in moderation and my mentality has never gone back to the way it used to be. You need to love yourself for who you are, once you truly love yourself whatever anyone says about you won’t matter. Don’t get me wrong I’m still insecure but whenever my dad says something to me it doesn’t even matter to me anymore because I’ve learned to block the negativity out.

Cover Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

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50 Things To Be Happy About

It's the little things in life.
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It is always easier to pick out the negatives in life. We tend to dwell on them and drown out the happy moments. I asked a friend to tell me something that made them happy. They sarcastically laughed at my question then thought about it for a minute. Nothing. But they could easily come up with things that made them unhappy. Then I read them my list, and they were smiling and laughing in agreement the whole time. There are so many more things to be happy and laugh about than we realize. After all- it's the little things in life that can mean the most! Here are 50 things that make me happy. What are your 50?

  1. The first warm day of the year
  2. Laughing so hard your abs ache
  3. Freshly washed sheets
  4. Looking through old pictures
  5. The smell of a coffee shop
  6. Eating cookie dough
  7. Reading a bible verse that perfectly fits your current situation
  8. Seeing someone open a gift you got them
  9. Eating birthday cake
  10. A shower after a long day
  11. Marking something off your to-do list
  12. Drinking ice cold water on a really hot day
  13. Dressing up for no reason
  14. Breakfast food
  15. Being able to lay in bed in the morning
  16. Finding something you love at the store
  17. And it’s on sale
  18. Cute elderly couples
  19. When a stranger compliments you
  20. Getting butterflies in your stomach
  21. Taking a nap
  22. Cooking something delicious
  23. Being lost for words
  24. Receiving a birthday card in the mail
  25. And there's money in it
  26. Finally cleaning your room
  27. Realizing how fortunate you are
  28. Waking up from a nightmare and realizing it wasn't real
  29. Fresh fruit
  30. Walking barefoot in the grass
  31. Singing along to a song in the car
  32. Sunrises
  33. Sunsets
  34. Freshly baked cookies with a glass of milk
  35. Summertime cookouts
  36. Feeling pretty
  37. Looking forward to something
  38. Lemonade
  39. Comfortable silences
  40. Waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you have more time to sleep
  41. Surviving another school year
  42. The cold side of the pillow
  43. The smell of popcorn
  44. Remembering something funny that happened
  45. Laughing to yourself about it
  46. Feeling weird about laughing to yourself
  47. Printed photographs
  48. Wearing a new outfit
  49. The sound of an ice cream truck
  50. Feeling confident
Cover Image Credit: Tumblr

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Bigger Bodies Are Not Unhealthier Bodies

Got nothing nice to say? Then don't say anything at all.

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Okay, believe it or not, people have rolls. People have fat. People wear jean sizes in the double digits, and plus sized dresses exist.

Fat people exist. And their existence isn't disgusting, so it's time to stop treating them like they're gross and unworthy of feeling confident.

I don't know HOW many times I've seen social media shame fat people just for posting photos of themselves. A plus-sized woman could put a pic of herself in a bikini on the gram and is made fun of for having cellulite and stretch marks. People comment things like, "stop encouraging people to be unhealthy!"

Since when does posting a photo of yourself hanging out on the beach encourage people to be unhealthy? Are fat people not allowed to feel confident, or what?

It's honestly disgusting how vicious fat shaming is, and how the usage of social media makes fat phobia that much more widespread. What's truly saddening is that despite so many body-positive movements, these movements still lack the support for actual plus sized bodies.

I'm not talking about skinny models hunched over so you can see their slight belly rolls. I'm talking about women with thick thighs and stomachs that are far from flat. Brands claim to be inclusive but the plus-sized models they use could still fit into size 2 and 4 dresses.

Why is it so hard to embrace bigger bodies??

To many, the thought of calling an anorexic girl a skeleton and making fun of the lack of food she eats is beyond absurd. Yet, many people don't bat an eye when a fat girl is called a whale. People stare at her when she eats a burger but never mind the skinny girl bragging about eating an entire pizza on her own. It's quirky and cute, right? Wrong.

If people feel obliged to call fat bodies unhealthy for being too fat, where is the obligation to also call out skinny bodies for being too skinny?

I am 5'3" and this past September I weighed nearly 140 pounds. I was overweight but healthy. I am now 116 pounds, I have an eating disorder, low blood sugar, and severely low blood pressure. I am not healthy.

Your weight does not determine your health.

Stop judging people because of the bodies they are in. Just because you're skinny doesn't mean you're healthy.

A skinny woman might be able to drink a whole bottle of wine and eat an entire pizza to herself. She might be able to keep off the weight without working out. She might not like drinking water and opt for iced coffee. And she's deemed healthy.

Whereas the fat woman tries her best to eat balanced every day. She doesn't have a fast metabolism, but she loves sweating her ass off doing yoga. She adds fruit to her water daily, but she's the one that isn't healthy because she's bigger?

Ridiculous.

Stop fat shaming people. Let fat people exist in peace. Let them pose in photos and feel confident in their skin. Let them eat junk food when they want without judging them. Don't laugh at them in the gym.

Stop assuming that bigger bodies are not healthy bodies. The bigger me was the healthy me and the skinny me is not, but nobody would be able to tell that just by looking at me.

Mind your own business. Stop judging people. Stop reducing people's worth to the social stigmas of their physical bodies.

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