With the rise of the #MeToo Movement, many students within the high school and college community have been coming out with their own stories of sexual assault, abuse, and rape. In the past three days, I have heard disgusting stories arising within my particular age group alone (Class of 2021). These are stories of fellow girls, whom I may or may not know, coming out about people who I would've never thought would be sexual abusers in the first place.

Having been friends or good acquaintances with four of these assaulters alone has made me feel so ambivalent, so confused, so numb… it's as if I don't know anyone I once knew anymore.

It's taken a lot of thinking to even begin to address these topics, and I have found myself in numerous conversations with friends who also have known or are related to these assaulters in other forms.

I do not side with the abusers, nor am I a "rapist apologist," which is a term I see so casually thrown about all over the place, but it's a scary world in that these anonymous forums can equally ruin someone's life when those accused cannot even properly defend themselves or have a proper conversion regarding it because that is to say, "What if [the accused] do change?" What do we do regarding the people who have met those assaulters long after their dirty past, and are actively atoning and making up for their mistakes? What do we do in these cases of transformative justice? To further elaborate with this, what will be the closure in either situation in which they have or haven't changed? An acceptance of changes, with a half-hearted apology, and being forced to move on?

There is so much grey area regarding this, especially when we are all thrown into a situation where we need proper time to process this sensitive information, and what we are to do when responding to it. Society's haste and immediate need for public gratification through cancel culture has been exceedingly overwhelming, to the point that so many throwaway accounts have been created for the sake of "justice," when can simply be a case of performative activism, and attacking individuals and organizations due to association. However, we, as students, are still trying to find ways to cope, process, and take the time to release official statements, as well. Under no means should any individual go under an anonymous persona to deliberately attack others to "cancel the apologists" when they can't even do it as themself, worried about their own reputation. This only continually adds fuel to the fire and creates a case of more half-hearted apologies and public statements.

However, do not assume from my earlier deliberations that I don't hear nor understand my fellow victims.

I am merely addressing the shortcomings of the movement and a lot of the unsaid sentiments from those still struggling to come to terms. I am listening, and I am taking my own time to take in this information as someone who has been equally been taken advantage of and has undergone the same grieving and healing process (and still am) as many of these victims. I'd rather believe a false liar than a potential accuser, and I wholeheartedly know the feeling of constantly being afraid to come out. It's a continuous pattern of thoughts, "Who would believe me?" and "Is my story valid?"

To be part of this movement, we need to take into consideration that nearly every girl we have encountered has also gone through a form of sexual harassment and abuse.

We're constantly terrified of speaking out because it all goes back to phrases such as, "She shouldn't have been wearing that" or "She shouldn't have been drinking." Since when was being a victim OUR fault? It's so disgusting how us girls feel so lowered in our own self worth for something that WASN'T OUR FAULT. It's so disgusting how we are feel forced to stay silent or we'll be emotionally manipulated and pressured to believe that we "wanted it," from actual rape apologists and from our rapists themselves, because the way our body reacts, is not the same as a verbal confirmation that we had carefully thought over and confirmed that, yes we do want it.

I am hesitant to come out.

I am hesitant to share my own story on this platform.

I had shared with a few friends I had trusted and know wouldn't judge me because honestly... I'm still terrified. My case is often synonymous with the cases of other girls. I had fallen in love with my assaulter and had a long term relationship with him... it's just so strange that it makes me feel like it's invalid but at the same time, it isn't. I had liked him, so I clearly had "wanted it," right?

For the duration of our relationship, I have been telling him plainly that yes, it was rape and he had taken advantage of me, and yet he would either manipulate me into thinking that it was out of our "love" for each other or would send me the silent treatment as if I was the one who was in the wrong for sending him "mixed signals." No matter how much I rationalized it was wrong to him, everything he did was out of "love." Love? He defiled me the first day and took advantage of my innocence to love and be wanted. He took advantage of my morals and wanting to only have sex with the person I married and used love as a little convenient tool to satisfy his sexual needs.

Rape is rape no matter who it is, just as long as it's not consented to, and no male or female should ever feel pressured to think otherwise.

Most often, our rapists and assaulters aren't even strangers. They can be our girlfriends, boyfriends, our close friends, our family members. Our sexual assaulters can take all shapes and forms. While it may be surprising to me and so many others that news of our friends doing such indecent, inhumane, and perverse acts are coming to light, we must stand in solidarity with the victims, even while sharing conflicting viewpoints. This does not mean that we must immediately drop or unfollow the assaulters to show our support. This means that for us, who also happen to know those accused, taking the time to sit down and have an open conversation about what they had done, if they acknowledge it sincerely and had learned from it, and what to do moving forward if they are accepting the charges and properly facing punishment. This means being able to distinguish whether or not the assaulter intends on or had tried to change their behavior, and making the decision to further condemn not only their actions, as we had done so previously, but them as an individual, and set out to "cancel" them from there.