People who have anxiety understand that it is an exhausting event to go through an attack. It wares your mental state down to nothing and you feel like you've just ran a 5K when you might've just gotten out of bed. But what about the people whose anxiety is quiet, subtle, and uncontrollable, like my own. Those who go through their day to day lives knowing they live with anxiety but, not always feeling like it's waring them down. Until it does, until something, that to another person could be the most insignificant thing but, to me could make my world come crashing down.
The simplest thing, such as a change in plans can make me feel a panic attack start to build. The tears form behind my eyes, I feel this large lump start to form in my throat, and my hands, that already shake on a daily basis, become uncontrollable. It grows and grows and the most exhausting thing isn't letting it run it's course...it's keeping it hidden and suppressed. I can't have my attack or let it all just come out because I'm surrounded by people who don't understand or even believe that my anxiety is a real struggle.
It's hardest for those closest to me to understand why I'm crying for no reason, why I'm quiet, why I look like I want to punch someone in the face. They don't understand it because they don't experience the tears welling up or my stomach feeling like it just dropped into a pit or my head start to spin because I'm trying to control my breathing. Instead, I get accused of being rude or dirty looks because I'm trying not to let everything fall out. The tears, the hyperventilating, the dry heaving.
I was clinically diagnosed with anxiety when I was ten years old. My dad went through his first deployment, we moved to a new place, and I was starting middle school all at the same time. All of that culminated together to push me over the edge. I got it under control and it seemed like I wasn't having any more problems. Then my sophomore year of college I couldn't find the police station to pay a parking ticket and I had a full panic attack in my car. That started it, the spiral of attacks and now I'm 2 months from graduating college and they are more frequent and unpredictable.
I am physically and mentally exhausted all the time because I have to hold so much in when I feel one coming on. Lately it's been everyday for such minuscule reasons, and sometimes I don't even have a legitimate reason for having one. My heart starts racing, my palms get sweaty, and I feel like I'm going to cry for no reason. It's like a cat sitting in the weeds waiting to pounce on it's prey. It's hard and tiring and I'm more than ready to get to a point in my life where it's not going to haunt me with every move that I make.
People who experience this type of anxiety understand that getting upset over the things that we do is crazy. The food didn't come out the way we wanted it to, someone cancelled plans on you, you can't find the right class to go to on the first day. Any of these things could happen and any one could cause you to blow up. It's hard and people who don't go through it don't understand so, you rely on yourself and your own coping techniques. I squeeze my hands together, or take deep soothing breaths, start conversations to take my mind off everything.
Having anxiety isn't the biggest blessing that could be given to you but, learning to control the breakdowns and attacks leads to full control. When your life begins to fall into place and go the way you want it or plan for it too the anxiety recedes and you live your life again; until the next round of constant stress brings it to a boil once more. People with anxiety don't deal with it, they live with it.
