I have a sick problem. I've had it for quite a while but for some reason I never seem to do anything to fix it. It's crippling. Embarrassing. Unjustified. Petty. It's an everyday struggle. I wake up, run, shower but then I have to deal with the hardest part of the day -- looking in the mirror, picking out an outfit, confronting my body insecurities.
I realized my problem after it took me nearly an hour to find an outfit that flattered my body enough to be what I thought was presentable. It wasn't even a special occasion, I was just going to class with no one to impress. But instead of wearing something I wanted to wear, I put on loose running clothes that I had bought in a bigger size to give the illusion that I was smaller than I actually was.
I know I am not overweight. I recognize I am not the biggest person but every time I look at my reflection I thought of a new reason to hate what I saw. It wasn't just that specific day either, it was today and yesterday and tomorrow, and last month and next year. Some days my stomach isn't as flat as I would like it to be, others, my hair isn't long enough, and my eye color is too dull. I can always seem to find a new flaw but find it nearly impossible to see something I like.
How typical right? Just another girl with body insecurities, complaining that they aren't skinny enough or pretty enough. It should be easy for me to let it go. I see that it's a problem but I can never seem to let go of the shame I feel surrounding my body. I wear it like a winter coat through every season. I know I should feel blessed that I am alive and healthy but for some reason I find myself cursing things about me that I shouldn't take for granted.
Don't mistake this for a cry for help. I don't need any pity. I am not asking for compliments to make myself feel better for a few seconds. This is about me, fixing my problem, learning to love ever square of inch of it. I haven't quite figured out how I am going to do this but I am working it. It's a sick a problem, but I've had had it for too long.
