I miss you. I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. I miss the smirk you gave me when you were about to say I told you so. I miss your sarcastic comments. Most of all, I miss you being there every day. It's almost been four months since you died and even though every day creates a gap in time I still feel like you could walk through the door any minute. You're on vacation looking at seashells in the Outer Banks listening to some Zac Brown Band in the sand.
I remember that concert last summer like it was yesterday. Our last concert. We sang and danced and drank our lime flavored drinks. You smiled every time a new song came on and your eyes lit up along with it. You loved music so much. I too loved the nights when we sat outside by the firepit talking while holding our glasses of wine and watching the night pass us by. Sasha and I would be dancing in the back while you Dad and I huddled around the warmth of the fire. It's nights like those that I'd kill to go back to. I didn't realize how fleeting these moments are until I lost you.
You used to love to tell me the lyrics of that Darius Rucker song It Won't Be Like This For Long. I laughed and nodded my head in agreement as you told me to pay attention to the words. The words that told me to not take any moment for granted. Each passing day I wake up and know that you're smiling over me but it still doesn't make it any easier. There's a battle in me because I regret all the times we fought whether it be about school or the makeup I chose to wear that day.
You wanted me to be just like you. To be perfect. I can't thank you enough for giving up the success you could have had at your kickass job in order to make me into the best person I could possibly be even though we sometimes disagreed on how you did that. Despite the highs and lows, our relationship went through, we came out of it stronger.
You were the strongest person I know fighting stage four cancer so bravely for so many years. Even in your darkest moments you still looked out for me and made sure to check in every day to make sure I was ok. You recognized my challenges and encouraged me to be the best version of myself I could be.
You taught me an immeasurable amount through your spirit and I'd give anything to have time to learn more and for you to see more. You won't be there to see me kill it at my internship this summer or be at my Villanova graduation which you advocated for or see my kids someday. I will spend the rest of my life trying to be half the woman you were.
Each day my heart still feels so broken that you're not here and I cry for all the times and experiences we missed out on. I love you with all my heart and I know you're watching HGTV up in heaven somewhere. I know your spirit is keeping the angels dancing.