For as long as I can remember, I have strived to be perfect. That's not to say I am perfect, only that my goal was to be as perfect as possible. I spent hours upon hours studying for class, practicing for band, and doing countless community service activities to build my resume to get into a good college. I never accepted anything less than a B, and even a B made me feel like I was failing. I spent so much time stressing out about getting good grades and being perfect, that I never felt good enough. I never felt beautiful. Every bad test score, homework assignment, or missed note chiseled away at my self-confidence. I put my entire self-worth on my ability to retain information until I could get a good exam grade. Then college happened.

I spent a majority of my Freshman year on the third floor of the library, making study guides and doing homework. I was always told that there would be classes that I could fail or do poorly in, and to not take it so hard. But when that first failed exam made it's way to my desk, I felt my heart drop. I had never failed anything in my life, and I had to hold myself together until I got to my dorm and could break down without someone watching me. I called my parents and they said something that I feel everyone who's a perfectionist should here.

"You are not an exam score. No number given to you by a professor can make you or break you. You are a person, not a machine. Of course, you won't get a 100% every time you take a test, but you shouldn't aim for lower than you feel you are worth. When you get a bad score, take a minute, breathe, and then get right back up and study harder. You've got this, kiddo."

I've had to learn that the only thing defining me, is myself. I no longer spend every waking minute studying. I do enough to get me the grade I want, but no longer will I let the number at the top of the page tell me how much I'm worth. I make mistakes. But those mistakes make me beautiful. I have so much more to offer the world than my ability to regenerate information for an hour. I love books, and painting, and reading poetry that no one else remembers. Those are the things that define me. And that's all I'll ever accept.