“Why am I making my life more difficult than it needs to be?”

A question I ask myself constantly ever since junior year of high school when I decided I wanted to go into the sciences. I’m more than halfway through my sophomore year at college now, and the question continues to nag at me, keeps me awake at night as I try to study and continues to recur in the morning as I get ready for class.

Let me begin by saying I'm not crazy. I'm a college student who, like the majority of you, has stresses, goals, aspirations, worries and ambitions all mixed together. Sometimes these stresses and worries come to a head, however, and I feel crazy.

I felt so crazy a few months ago that I brought up the idea to my parents of changing my major when I was home for the weekend. I told them I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, hated my classes and felt like I was neither content nor excited about what I was studying. I said, plain and simple, let’s leave this science stuff in the dust and move onto more creative outlets. I’ve always loved art, books and had an eye for drawing and writing, so I suggested studio art or journalism, or some more open field to explore things I actually love to do.

This idea was met with confused stares, worried eyes and hesitation as to what the heck to say to me. I think I put my parents in a bit of shock — I’ve always planned on doing intellectual, quantitative things with a career and used my creative interests as a hobby. I knew my suggestion would be met with some uncertainty because, well, this was never the plan.

My question is, who decides what the plan is? We are told at the beginning of high school that everything we are learning is to prepare us for college. When we get to college, everything we are taught is in preparation for a career. But when we get to a career, what are we preparing for? What next step is weighing down upon us that is so pressing and ominous that we need to work our tails off to be at the top of our class or get outstanding grades?

There is no next step. That’s the point. A career is the culmination of everything you’ve ever learned, done and failed at over the course of your lifetime. Sure, it makes sense that there has to be an ultimate goal to work toward: a career. But what is the point of a career if you hate it? I kept turning the idea over in my head that I would get to my career in however many years, work in it for a while and then look back and realize I never was happy with it.

I imagined how many years I have worked toward said career and roughly how many years it might take me in the future to pursue the career and actually begin working. If you count four years of high school, four years of college, four to seven years of medical school, several years of residency and however long my career is ... that is basically my whole lifetime. Why work hard from age 14 until retirement to decide it never moved your heart, got you excited or made you happy?

I decided I wasn’t going to do anything about it after all because there are practical things to consider like salary and job openings, and I was exhausted thinking of my college crisis. The thought of quitting science and taking a creative route has recurred a dozen times since then, but I kept deciding it was no use and I would have to simply move on and hope something clicked.

Things did click. You won’t believe when I say I changed my mind after watching a TV show. I stumbled upon a show on Netflix called “Helix” about a viral outbreak at a science facility in the Arctic in which the Center for Disease Control steps in and tries to save the day. There was science everywhere in the show — medical terms being thrown around, lab techniques I’m familiar with and the whole setting at a base filled with labs.

How did this do anything to help reignite the spark I once had for science in high school anatomy class? I saw myself in the characters of the show. The characters save lives, perform surgeries, sequence and work on DNA, find a cure to a virus and speak to each other about all of the science I know and am interested in.

I realized that my eyes were not set on the prize during the last few months, but on the short term. I was allowing my difficult classes to consume me and drown me in their work and exams and papers, and I was giving up little by little. I was doubting myself, doubting my abilities and intelligence, and throwing in the towel before having been given a chance.

This show snapped me back into reality, however, because it told me to re-examine why exactly I was “making my life more difficult.” The fact is, I decided several years ago to study science because I want to help people and solve the world’s puzzles. There are so many things I want to do; cure Alzheimer’s disease, fix athletes’ torn ligaments or broken bones, send kids home from the hospital for good, etc.

I think the remedy for the mid-college crisis is to sit down for a few hours, days, weeks, months, however long it may take, and decide what gift you can give to the world that will also be a gift to yourself. There is no point in going to classes you dislike and doing so much work for something that ultimately won't excite you or make you feel important. If that's the case, do something else. Think long and hard about what that something else may be. It must be something that you have a burning desire to do. Otherwise, you won’t love it and will likely not give your full effort and attention to it, which helps no one.

Whatever you decide to do, be advised that you can change your mind. There is no set time to figure out what life is supposed to be and people switch careers or majors at all stages of life. It doesn’t matter when you decide to change your mind or do something else, but what does matter is what you choose. If that choice doesn’t get you out of bed every day for something greater than yourself, then you may want to reconsider.