I want what's best for you and I will do anything to make sure that at the end of a crappy day you still smile. However, there are some issues when it comes to my behavior.
I will normally agree to doing things with you but on the inside am freaking out about the interaction. I constantly feel like everyone is in on this big joke where they will turn around and say surprise you thought I actually liked you. This means anything I say will have me in a constant state of worry of what you think about me. The logical side of me knows you wouldn't interact with me if you didn't like me but the anxiety side screams much louder. It's always going to be questioning whether it's real or not.
I will ask you multiple times if you love me. I am sorry for that, I know that invalidates you and makes you feel like your not doing something right. You are, I promise but in my mind, I need constant reassurance that comes from hearing you say that.
When we go out in public I know I cling to you like your a life raft. The thing is to me being out in public situations is one of the scariest things that I can do. Being extremely uncomfortable and wanting that comfort of knowing someone is there with me makes the experience bearable.
There will be days where I don't want to get out of bed. That I am freaking out and wanting to cry and sometimes that frustration with how I am feeling is going to be taken out on you. I know that's not right and I always feel so guilty afterward. I promise I am trying to control that aspect of my life and better handle those situations because I never want to be the reason your sad.
Overall though I want to thank you. I want to say thank you for understanding that I have to cling to you when we go somewhere, that sometimes all I want is to cuddle and watch Netflix, that my bad days are not under my control or always explainable and thank you for staying with me through all that.
You see only me not the anxiety that makes it hard to be a normal college student. You see me. For that, I can not thank you enough for being a part of my life and trying your best to understand just how loud my anxiety is.
