My relationship with my self-image isn’t one that is particularly positive. It’s more negative than positive.
When I was a kid, I was enrolled in karate and pretty active that I didn’t really pay attention to my physique. I was a small kid. It wasn’t until my family and I moved to Arizona that I really started to pay attention to my body size. Well, it was when someone close to me pointed it out. You might be thinking what the big deal was. Well, when this person is someone who’s opinion you hold very high it affects you mentally. It’s the reason I don’t wear skirts anymore.
Anyways, I tried only eating cereal after that. It only worked for three days before I woke up with a nosebleed one morning. Never tried that ‘diet’ again.
When I was in 7th and 8th grade, I was enrolled in basketball and that was a healthy way for me to keep off the weight. That was also the last time that I was in a sport.
You’ll notice a pattern here. When in sports, I’ve never felt better. I have felt good and healthy because I was active and I couldn’t give a damn about what anyone thought about me. When I wasn’t active, that’s the most negative I’ve felt about myself. I was more self conscious I have ever been and I always thought someone was looking at me because I was so fat.
When I was 17, I got my first job (outside of working with my parents) at McDonald’s. Money wise, it was great but when it came to food, it was horrible. I worked there about 4 or 5 days out of the week and those were the days I ate there which meant that there was a lot of junk food. I gained four sizes while working at McDonald’s. Since I’m short, the weight is more noticeable. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low in my life before then.
I’ve struggled with food my whole life and with exercising. Sometimes, I have my days where I really hate myself and how big I’ve let myself get. Instead of reaching for a soda now, I reach for a water bottle. I’m still working on the eating aspect because I just love tacos you know? But I’m slowly getting better at what I’m eating. I’m walking more as well. For the year of 2017, I want to get better in that department. I know it’s cliché but I’m trying to look at myself in a more positive light.
The road to self acceptance is a long one but I’m patient.
