My Illnesses Are Boring To Deal With And Talk About, So Just Let Me Be Bored Coping

My Illnesses Are Boring To Deal With And Talk About, So Just Let Me Be Bored Coping

I am so tired of having to explain my illnesses to other people that have the benefit of never experiencing them.

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As weird as it sounds, sometimes the pain isn't the worst part about being sick- the boredom that comes with it is. Being in pain all the time is exhausting, and when there's nothing you can do to help the pain, you find yourself with nothing to do but sit around and feel like shit.

The only thing worse than the boredom itself is the shitty feeling that comes along with the awareness of boredom. When your friends don't have illnesses (whether they be chronic, mental, or any other kind of illness) they don't understand the toll it has on not only your body but your mind as well.

It sucks when there are days that you literally can't leave your bed, let alone your house because the pain is excruciating. But it sucks even more when the illness and pain isn't capable of stopping when you want it to. I wish it was easy for me to do everything my other friends are doing without having to worry about my illness.

I guess for me, control plays the biggest role in being sick. It is infuriating to carry around these problems and have no control over them. It would be nice to have a little control over my mind and body, but I don't. My body and my mind control me. My illnesses control me. And I want nothing more than to be in control of my own life.

Dating with an illness is...how do I put this? Terrible.

I am so tired of having to explain my illnesses to other people that have the benefit of never experiencing them. I know people will tell you that it's not that bad, and you that should want to explain your illnesses to your significant other, so they're more aware, but I don't want to do that.

All I do is think, breathe, and live my issues. All day. Every day. So when someone doesn't know all the shit that's actually wrong with me, it's kind of nice. It's nice not to be the freak show for once. It's nice not to have to talk medical terms, treatments (or lack thereof), and awkward sympathy talks. Stop telling me you're sorry. I'm bored.

I know that other people have it worse, and I'm in no way trying to lessen their situations or put myself in an equal position, but whether you have chronic, mental, or a different type of illness, it still sucks. It sucks having to go through it and having to live your life around what your illness has in mind for the day. Pain is pain.

Emotional, mental, and physical pain suck. When dealing with one, you're dealing with all three. My illnesses are physical for the most part, but I'm so mentally drained from dealing with them. If you suffer from anything, I know you're bored, and I know you're tired of feeling guilty from how bored you are, but you're not alone. We can be bored together.

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won’t see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won’t laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won’t go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They’ll miss you. They’ll cry.

You won’t fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won’t get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won’t be there to wipe away your mother’s tears when she finds out that you’re gone.

You won’t be able to hug the ones that love you while they’re waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won’t be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won’t find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won’t celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won’t turn another year older.

You will never see the places you’ve always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You’ll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it’s not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don’t let today be the end.

You don’t have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It’s not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I’m sure you’re no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won’t do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you’ll be fine.” Because when they aren’t, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

For help, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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An Open Letter To The Person Feeling Everything Is Too Much

The strongest people to exist struggle the most.

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Hey, you.

I heard through the grapevine that life's got you in the dumps. You're feeling overwhelmed by your surroundings, stressed by your responsibilities, sensitive to the things that people are saying; everything just feels like it is too much. It almost feels like you're stuck in a room filling up with water. You know that the door opens, but you're numbed by the circumstances; you can't get yourself to take hold of that handle, so you just stand there, frozen in time. You feel the water rising up around your body, and with every inch it gains, you get even more overwhelmed. Maybe the water flooding in contains your schoolwork, your family dynamic, your drama within your friend group, your relationship status, internal anger about who you are or aren't, or hell, maybe all of these.

You feel like life is throwing rogue waves at you left and right, and you can't understand it. Why is this happening to me? Why is life trying to break me?

Well, let me tell you something that has taken me years to even grasp, let alone fully understand.

The strongest people to exist struggle the most. They are given some of the most intricately woven issues that may not have a black and white solution but live somewhere within the gray. Things pile up and upon them until everything feels like too much. And you know what they do, the strongest people to exist?

They break.

They stand there, trapped in that water-filling room, and let the water seep in. They don't open that door, they don't take the easy way out. They stand there, thinking about what is being thrown at them, not knowing what to do. They let the water overwhelm them, completely filling the room. And right when they feel that they can't take this anymore, like everything is too much, the door breaks... they break. The strongest become the weakest as they float out of the room, carried by the rushing water filled with their burdens. They lay washed up on the shore, weaker than ever... broken and cracked, frozen and numbed by life.

While they lay there broken and numb, weakness does something so immaculate and beautiful: it settles into the brokenness and the cracks like fresh, fertile soil, planting the seeds of wisdom and strength. Over time as it continues to rain, wisdom and strength grow throughout their bones like vines, making them even stronger than they were before they got trapped in that room before they broke. The strongest people to exist break frequently, so that room can be made for more love, more strength, and more wisdom than imaginable.

Now you may be thinking, why this analogy? What are you getting at?

I want you to know, and read this closely: it is okay to break. It's okay to let everything feel like it's too much because you know what? Sometimes it is, it just is. Sometimes, you have to just stand there, and let yourself feel. Let it explode and wash over you. Let it leave you cracked. Once the explosion has ridden its course. analyze the broken pieces you feel inside. Look at them individually and try to find the root of that feeling. Finding the knowledge behind that feeling means that you now know how to fight back. So you know what you do? You piece yourself back together, slowly but surely, using wisdom as the glue, and you come back stronger than ever before.

You have to break before you can grow. Let yourself feel, feel all of it. Break and be grown anew.

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