After a year of going through the same thing back and forth, I had made my final decision. I knew what was right for me and I knew that it was time to move on from the past. The one thing I was waiting for I had finally accepted I will never get back.

So after a few months of my own internal battle, I finally settled down with my choice and decided to let go of my burden because I knew that I would not need to worry about it anymore. It’s gone forever, it’s over.

But, history always repeats itself.

And then, the unexpected happened, that burden returned. After working on taking in the facts, what I had previously hoped and wished for ended up happening. And it put me in a very confused state of mind because I had finally gotten over the idea that it wouldn’t. I didn’t have enough time to let go of that burden, I wasn’t over it yet, at least not completely.

It’s interesting how life works in weird ways, ways we would never expect it to. Especially the timing of it all.

The unexpected can go both ways, it can be exciting or it can be something we weren’t prepared for, it is how we handle it that matters.

I’ve accepted the fact that he won’t be around the corner at my gas station, he won’t pull up next to me in the car. He won’t be at the same bar that we always used to go to. I’ve come to realize that the idea of his presence should not be expected everywhere I go, because he’s gone.

He always does this. He always comes back at his own selfish time, when it’s convenient for him, when I finally have learned to let go of the idea of him.

I didn’t want him to come back. I was doing fine without him, but somehow he found his way back in, to mess with everything in my head. He shouldn’t have that effect on me, but he does. Although, I know he won’t do it again, I still don’t want him here, I don’t want him around me. I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to be reminded of the pain I had to endure because of him.

I won’t let him back in.

I can’t.

I won’t allow it.

But, I probably will.

I shouldn’t, but I won’t deny what the painful truth is.

When something has always felt so right, one always tells themselves that it is all about timing. So against everything I have ever believed, I may go against my words and say, “Maybe third time is the charm.” That’s the excuse I would make, I don’t believe in it but I am guilty of not taking my own advice. We all are.

He’s hurt me and it has been acknowledged. But why am I only this vulnerable towards this certain negative energy? Why do I feel like he’s that one exception? What happens if I take the chance or don’t? The question I hate the most, “What if?”

But, I have to push him away. I don’t want to laugh at his jokes, I don’t want to feel his arms around me again or his kisses on my forehead. Even as a friend, I don’t want to.

But the idea of feeling that temporary high with him again resonates in my mind. But he’s wrong for me. He was the best thing that ever happened to me but the worst too. He is my forbidden fruit.

We know the saying, “We want what we can’t have,” and it’s accurate. Sometimes I feel that way towards him as well, but it is more than that that draws me in. The undeniable chemistry is what gets to me, there’s always some force in the Universe that brings us together, I have always felt it and unfortunately still do.

Even though something might feel so right for you, it doesn’t mean they are. We cannot justify their actions, the way they have hurt us or the problems they have caused in our lives. That’s just us being an addict justifying why we need them in our life for a fix. We cannot sink in to the habits of an addict because then that person becomes our drug. It is a test of self-control to walk away from those people, to walk away from that drug.

Being able to prove that we are strong enough to stay away is an addict going through sobriety. It will not be easy at first but it will get better. Eventually, you will learn that the forbidden fruit that you are craving is not all that great.

Even though I will feel the desire for his presence again or reminisce on the good memories but when the time comes to prove myself, I know I have to stay strong. If it has not worked out in the past, what makes me think it will be different now? History always repeats itself, but we cannot fall back into the trap of toxicity again just to feel that temporary high. We must stay true to our feelings against our forbidden fruit. And the only person that can break the repetitive cycle, is yourself.

So no matter how confused you feel or how difficult the idea of feeling some sort of positive hope with him again gets, the one thing you can never give up on is saving your heart from another heartbreak. And when you finally get over your forbidden fruit, it will become another lesson learned. This lesson will help you continue along your path to your destined journey, opening your eyes to a better future with someone that won't need to be considered a forbidden idea.