I'm an extrovert, but I don't exercise that part of my personality that much because I tend to give in to the thought that my anxiety outweighs the extroversion that I possess. I want to let the extrovert out more often. It's something that I've wanted to be able to do for a really long time, but never really tried to do it. I expected it to just happen without me having to make a conscious effort. Obviously that style of thinking gets me nowhere, but I was (and still am a little bit) naive. I used to want to have a lot of control over my life, but quickly found that became very stressful. In fact, it became so stressful that I made a complete 180° turn in my personality and fell back into a "hey, if it happens then it happens" mentality.
That mentality isn't bad for a couple different situations. One of those situations is relationships. You want to let those happen naturally instead of trying to force it. When I tried to force those, it really took a toll on me, so I learned to just let things happen and that's helped tremendously in that aspect of my life.
However, when it comes to wanting to let parts of your personality shine, that mentality is far from the best. This past week was spring break. I'm taking a break from school because of personal reasons, but I had a close friend who invited me to Disney World. I thought "Yes! I love Disney! I'm so in!" I didn't really take into account that we would be driving over 1,000 miles there, and then over 1,000 miles back. I didn't consider any of the potential negatives because I was so focused on being somewhere I absolutely love, and rarely get to visit.
But here's the kicker: There was no room for my anxiety. There was no room for my depression. I was with someone who means the world to me at a place that means the world to me and absolutely NOTHING was going to ruin that. I let the extrovert in me shine. I found myself able to speak to random people in lines while waiting for rides. I was able to talk to random people while at the lockers where you store your items before getting into those lines. I was able to talk to staff members and order food without needing any help from my friend, and I didn't have to plan anything around my mental illness. I was even able to speak French to a random couple on the Hogwarts Express. (It caught them completely off guard it was fantastic).
I never thought about it. I didn't have time for the negative energy that's thrust onto me during an anxiety attack or a sudden onset of acute depression or my constant mood swings. I had no reasons to be nervous, which was odd because I was in crowded areas constantly, we got lost a number of times, and had zero plans set in stone which, on a vacation, can sometimes worry me.
This was my first real road trip, and it was more than just a simple road trip. It told me a lot about myself that I will hold onto forever. I was able to be away from home without any issues. Now I know that it was only for a week, but I was still over 1,000 miles away. That thought is VERY anxiety provoking because knowing I'm not at home if something goes wrong really bothers me, but I was able to have the sense of independence I needed to know that I could have. I was able to manage my anxiety and depression and bipolar disorder with absolutely no problems. Which means that even at home I can easily manage those. I've noticed it's not just the environment that contributes to the rise and fall of these invisible illnesses, but it's the way I think about them.
I let them pilot my life, but for a week I let myself take control. Knowing that I have that power opens up an entirely new world of possibilities and endless amounts of happiness. I won't always be able to easily manage them the way I was able to in Disney because there was so much going on I was constantly distracted. Realistically I can't be distracted 100 percent of the time, but knowing that I can manage them in itself opens every door that I've ever wanted to open.
This road trip was more than just a road trip. It was more than just a vacation. It was more than just having fun with new friends. It was a life changing experience that I will continue to cherish. I would advise other people who struggle with invisible illnesses to take a step out of their comfort zone the way I was able to. Whether it's from going out with friends one night or going on a road trip, you'll be surprised at what you'll learn about yourself.
