So here's the deal.
I’ve been big my entire life.
Well, actually, I was a small baby. That’s beside the point.
Other than when I was a baby, I’ve been big my entire life.
It’s quite incredible to look back on my elementary school years and examine how obsessed I really was with my weight, when I should have been obsessed with Disney Channel. (It certainly didn’t help that there were no plus-sized actors on the Disney Channel, but that’s for another article). I would dread the few times a year that I would be forced to buy new clothes, as I resented myself for wearing a size large. My mom tried her best, handing me clothes that were actually my size as I reached for smalls and mediums, the sizes the other girls wore. I was the biggest girl in school. I always told myself that I would lose weight and look like Lizzy McGuire by high school, as she was my role model and also rather skinny. (Am I going on a Disney tangent again?)
Well, I wasn't skinny in high school. I’d been on every diet you can think of. Freshman year I was on a “cookie” diet, where I had to eat dry, disgusting excuses for cookies every day for breakfast and lunch, then a protein-filled dinner. I lost no weight. I was a little pissy over the whole ordeal. I started purging up my food after each meal, and would walk the school hallways dizzy and smelling of vomit. It was really sexy.
For the longest time, the mirror was not my friend. I couldn't leave the house without makeup. I couldn't wear a swimsuit without bawling in the bathroom. After a year of severe depression linked partly to body image, I decided enough was enough. My body is not changing significantly anytime soon. A fat-shaming society caused me to hate myself for long enough. I was tired of putting weight loss over happiness. I was tired of beating myself up every day for not having a significant other, and blaming my singleness on my weight. (Spoiler alert: I had a boyfriend for 3 years and my body image didn't magically change. Turns out having a boyfriend doesn't solve all of your problems and whisk you away to Enchanted Fairy Land of High Self Esteem. I blame romantic comedies for making me think the Enchanted Fairy Land of High Self Esteem exists).
I've discovered that body acceptance is the first step to radical self love. So internet, I've made you my manifesto. Here are my Fat Girl Truths:
1. Urban Outfitters will never carry my size. Neither will Abercrombie & Fitch.
2. Maurices and Forever 21 DO carry my size, and those clothes are damn cute.
3. I will never look the same as the people I see on TV and in magazines.
4. I don’t really want to look like those people.
5. Not everyone wants to love on a fat girl.
6. But a lot of people do. Y’all, there are some friggin’ hot people out there who are so down with these curves.
7. Whoever invented the crop top didn't have me in mind.
8. That doesn’t stop me from wearing crop tops.
9. People look at you weird when you eat a giant ice cream cone in public.
10. Those people are assholes.
11. People will look at you weird when you’re holding hands with a skinny boy.
12. Those people are also assholes. They will never be happy and I hope they step on a lego.
13. Finding stuff that fits you is hard.
14. Finding stuff that fits you is worth it.
15. “Fat” is not a dirty word.
16. Fat is a beautiful word. I am reclaiming the word fat.
17. I am fat.
With that being said, being fat is pretty fun. Cute boys use my tummy as a pillow all the time. My tummy also holds my laptop for me while I’m watching Netflix.
Maybe my acceptance has something to do with getting older and seeing myself become a beautiful, strong woman, who also happens to be big.
Your own body is not something you should fight with. This is my body I will have the rest of my life, and I have to cherish it. And guess what? After accepting myself, my doctor informed me I had lost 4 pounds. (I never weigh myself, as I don’t really care). People will bully you for being fat and say they are doing it to help you realize you need to be healthier. Since when has health been a factor of my worth? Since when has my health been anyone else's business but my doctor and I's? My body will never be yours to change or judge.
One of my favorite poets Shane Koyczan has a line that really hits home here: "I will love myself despite the ease with which I lean toward the opposite."
Accepting my body and loving myself is the hardest things I’ve ever done. I have to ignore society’s overwhelming expectations of me as a plus sized woman--lazy, desperate, undesirable, ugly.
I am none of these things.
That is my truth, my fat manifesto.
