Religion is something that I have to be around all the time. Going to a Catholic university will do that to you. More specifically going to Gannon, where there is such a broad range of practiced religions will do that to you. Personally, I am a Mormon. I am currently "taking a break" which is just an excuse to distance myself from The Church Of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints. This has nothing to do with the religion itself, mostly to do with the way I was thrust into it. I am a convert, which means I have not always been a Mormon.
All my life I have struggled with my faith. Faith in myself, faith in others, and most prominently, faith in religion. My parents weren’t very religious when I was growing up, and didn’t force any religion on me. I am grateful for that. I think that having religious views that were forced upon me would be just as bad as struggling with religion. When I say struggling, I mean that I am constantly in a state of doubt. I doubt that there is a God, a Heaven or a Hell, that there is anyone out there other than our families that care for us. I think that is due to me being so cynical and pessimistic, both of which are common traits for my generation when it comes to religion. I always wanted to believe though. I enjoyed going to church as a kid, and often felt like I was "making God happy" by going. I would get this feeling inside like I was doing the right thing.Whenever the pastor would say something or read something that resonated with me I felt like I was being blessed for having heard those things. It made me feel good.
As I continued to grow in years, size and in doubt, my desire to go to church diminished. It was long and boring and as I grew up I lost that special feeling I had gotten from being there. I don’t blame anyone for this except myself. Even though my desire to go to church and my faith in God had faded, my strong belief in Hell and my desire not go there had not. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I felt damned. Luckily for me these feelings often took a backseat to raging teenage hormones and long school days. I made myself forget about religion. That was until I met my girlfriend in my junior year of highschool.
She was (is) a very smart and outrageously beautiful girl that I only knew though a friends'friend. Somehow I was lucky enough to take her to her schools' junior prom. Despite her being way out of my league, I somehow tricked her intothinking I was a smart and funny guy and asked her to be my girlfriend shortly after. Amazingly she said yes! It seemed like a normal enough relationship at first, but there was something different about her. I don't mean different in a negative way, I just mean different to me. She was a Mormon. A very good example of what a young Mormon woman should be too. Being unfamiliar with the religionfilled me with many questions. Too many for her to handle, so she directed me to some people who could help me.
Months into the relationship I began talking to two missionaries, young Mormon men who go to various parts of the world spreading their knowledge and the Gospel of the church. These two men, who later became three because there was an odd number of missionaries in the area, taught me everything that I wanted to know about Mormonism. Over a couple months they gave me many lessons about God and his plan for us, what it means to be a Mormon and how to be worthy. While I was given these lessons I was also going to church with my girlfriend and her family. I couldn't ’t get enough of it. For the first time in years that feeling of goodness was back and I felt happy and fulfilled. It was because of this feeling and the knowledge I had gained that I agreed to be baptized.
It seemed to happen in an instant. One second I was lost and full of sin, the next I was clean and in a church were I felt loved and accepted. This feeling lasted for a few months, until things happened involving the current bishop at the time my girlfriend and myself. Nothing weird, he just had an idea of what we should have both been doing in our lives. His ideas clashed with my own. Shortly after my baptism he had told me that I should think about serving a mission. Going away for two years to spread the good word. It is believed that all able bodied young men should serve a mission, and that doing so will make them better husbands, fathers, and people. While I didn’t disagree with that statement, I did not want to serve a mission. I suddenly felt like I was doing wrong again. That I was a bad person for not being able to give up two years of my life to God and service. I became paranoid and believed that everyone in the church was trying to guilt me into going. This was obviously not the case and I know that now but it doesn’t change how I felt.
It was because of this and other assorted reasons that I have not been to church in over a year. In that year I have not stayed as true to the Mormon faith as my girlfriend has been. I've made mistakes, and I used to feel instant regret whenever I did something that didn’t align with my beliefs. Nothing too crazy, just a swear word here and thereand small offences like that. Lately I find that regret fading, and fading fast. As that feeling of guilt fades, so does my quality of life. I don’t feel as fulfilled anymore or as happy. I keep telling myself that I am going to come back to church and I will be happy again, but something is holding me back.
Having faith as a millennial can be hard. As more and more people decide to stray from religion everyday, its easy to write it off as unnecessary. I know deep down that it is necessary at least for me. I was always happier when I was more active in my church and I always felt like I was doing the right thing. When it comes down to it, I personally believe that that is the only thing that matters, doing the right thing for yourself. That’s really my whole point, make sure you are doing right by yourself. Find what gives you that special feeling I got from church. As long as you are living your life in a honest and meaningful way, God or no, I guarantee you will be happy.
