anx·i·e·ty
aNGˈzīədē/
noun
- a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
- desire to do something, typically accompanied by unease
- a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.
This article is me discussing my own personal journey with having anxiety, but maybe you can relate to my experiences. It isn't a walk in the park. Anxiety isn't just biting your nails. It isn't twiddling your thumbs, or bouncing your knees waiting for something. Anxiety is living in a state of mind in constant worry. It doesn't mean that I'm constantly unhappy, but it does mean I have to push myself to put the fear in the back of my mind temporarily. Temporarily. That doesn't mean it goes away when I push it away, it comes back, and you have to go through the process all over again. Breathing exercises; count to 10, then count down from 10. You drink water, only water, because if you eat you feel like you're going to puke it all up. I know for me I've experienced not eating because my anxiety caused me to not eat. You create a new diet around anxiety so you can stay healthy, however it's not always convenient.
You'll have days, sometimes weeks where you feel amazing. It feels like nothing was ever wrong with you to begin with. Then one day you wake up and you have shortness of breath, you're shaking and you have this irrational fear you're having a heart attack. After about an hour and a half later, you're OK, but you're exhausted. Anxiety is like a vampire, it just sucks every ounce of life out of you, and once it's done doing it's job, it goes away and lets you heal and it comes back. There are days where I feel completely invincible with it, but there are also the days where I feel absolutely helpless and there is no possible way to overcome this pain. The worst is when you're in public and you feel this huge wave of anxiety over come you. In your head you say "No, please not now." Anxiety doesn't care. It's not working with your schedule, it comes and goes as it pleases. Sometimes you'll hide in the bathroom for 10 minutes, maybe even longer until you can at least calm down enough to be in public, but you just feel awful.
Anxiety also gives your ego so much fear. Fear that you aren't loved, you're alone and that there is no one in this world who will give you the time you need to heal from this irreversible pain. The fear itself builds, and builds and only gives you more anxiety, and then it grows into bigger things like being afraid for your future, failure, who you are yet to be, who will ever want to love and be with you, is your family OK, are your friends OK, are you going to die soon — all these questions race through your mind day in and day out and you've just had enough. One day you'll meet people who accept this about you. They'll accept and understand this isn't your doing. Anxiety is painful, but the moment you accept what it is, the pain lessen's even if it's just a little. You learn you can get help, and this isn't something you have to suffer from. You can overcome this, and you have the power to make sure the anxiety you have doesn't shape you. It will always be there, but you will learn that you are stronger than it. You'll learn you will survive.
