So, I got rejected by a girl I like. That's alright. I'm actually not too sad about it. Yes, I'm pretty bummed out that she did not return my feelings, but in the end, it's how it is. All I can say is, "Ahh well."

I. Start

It all started around late September or early October. I started sitting next to one of my classmates from a previous class last semester. I did not make much of it, except for the fact that I knew her from that previous class, and that she is a talented designer.

Later on, we started talking bit by bit. We chatted about school, graphic design, and sometimes joked around and bashed political agendas, mainstream media and certain people and politicians. Eventually, we started talking more often and joked about somewhat deeper stuff.

I realized late October that I was really fond of her. She indirectly gave me a sort of drive to work hard and strive for more. I found myself always hovering around her, and sometimes worried if I was annoying her. She did not mind at all.

Around November, we started to hang out a bit more during our breaks before the class we have together. We would buy lunch together, or meet up later in the classroom for lunch, and talk about random things. We would often share laughs or be sad or disappointed in politics together.

Coming closer to the end of 2016, we started taking the train together to go home. It was more of a mutual agreement, and I believed we were close. Most of the time, we sang throwback tunes publicly while walking to the train station and joked around by being savage to ourselves or one another. We were glad the semester was ending.

II. The Planning

I thought it was time to tell her how I felt about her. I had a feeling that she did not like me that way, but regardless, I thought it would be fair to tell her that someone really liked her for being her, and that person was me. I wanted to confess to her sometime in January. All the attempts to hang out with her were in the water because she never really had time for herself. Eventually, her birthday was coming up, and I gave her the idea of a hot pot birthday party (since her meal would be free). It was a new thing for her, and she even hesitated, but we made the plan.

However, she also invited our friend. I went, "Oh. Okay. That's fine, I guess." I know it sounds mean, but I was expecting some time for me and her – but I did not complain. Our friend is really cool, too, but whatever. I was not able to confess to her that day, despite our friend leaving afterwards. Some of the reasons were being too nervous and sensing that the mood felt too awkward to confess out of nowhere. I was disappointed in myself, but I had another chance.

Initially, I wanted to try again on February 7th, but it was raining a bit hard. I was not too fond of rain, and it would probably be messy if I did that. It sounds romantic, though, confessing in the rain, but nope. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I wasn't. My neighbor and friend was glad that I did not confess during that week because she advised me to do it the next week which was Valentine's Day. I figured, "Why not? What's the rush?"

III. The Confession

Then came Valentine's Day. I left my house early to buy a rose around the school for her. Weirdly enough, the rose I picked out was almost up to my chest (measuring from the bottom). It looked like a baseball bat. I was really exposed walking down the street. I sat near our classroom that we were in waiting for her. Class was starting soon, but she was nowhere to be found. Eventually, she came three minutes before the start, and she was huffing and puffing a bit. I pointed her to the rose in the window, and said that it was for her. She smiled and said, "Awww, Rob, you really didn't have to, but I appreciate the rose! Thank you."

Suddenly, I looked to my side. An acquaintance was standing next to me looking at both of us. That practically ruined the mood. You could tell from the look on his face that he had no clue what was happening, nor did he read the mood. I was a bit bitter on the inside because of that. Just imagine you were giving a rose to a person, but the good atmosphere was distorted because some guy was standing and waiting for you. Way to kill the mood.

After class, we walked to the train station. While I could have confessed during the walk, I did not because I flaked out. Eventually, I was able to do so, but in a messy way. When my stop was here, I whispered in her ear implying the rose had something to do with my feelings for her. I smiled and walked away. She smiled back, but suddenly looked a bit stunned, but I kept on walking. I basically gave her an ambiguous confession.

IV. The Rejection

The next week was a bit awkward. On Tuesday, she was late for class because the trains were atrocious, so we did not get to talk before class. After class, we walked to the station, but she was a bit stressed out from the trains and other things were on her mind. The next day, however, was even more awkward. We weren't that talkative towards each other, and there was a sense of hesitation from me and her. It was slightly uncomfortable, and most of the time, we were stuck in silence. It annoyed me a bit, so when our train stopped to unload, I straight out said to her, "You know I have a crush on you, right?"

She looked at me really quick and smiled, "I was going to talk about that when the train started to move." At that point, we knew the awkward silence was because we were thinking of the same topic, and we didn't know who would bring it up first. She said she was going to bring it up, but I beat her to it.

I prepared myself. I knew the news wasn't going to be swell. I slowly sunk myself into a low hope attitude because I did not want to disappoint myself too harshly. "Last week, when you gave me the rose, I thought it was a friendly thing, but when you told me that in the end, it took a while, but I got what the rose meant," she explained. "I think you are a great friend, you're hilarious, you make me laugh, you have a 'great taste in music,' and I don't think less of you," she replied. "But, I don't think of you any more than that either. You really are a great person, and I really appreciate it a lot, but I'm really sorry. I'm really flattered and all, but I'm really sorry."

I sat there when a melancholic smile while she avoided looking me in the eye. She was frowning a bit. She admired that it took a lot of courage to confess like that, and she was often on the same end of the spectrum. However, she mentioned that it was her first time being confessed to, and once again, she felt flattered. Nonetheless, she felt extremely bad and sad that she had to reject me, which is ironic because I would have felt more sadness than her. She apologized if she gave any signals, since she did not know if I liked her or not, but I told her not to worry.

V. No Regrets

I liked her because she was being her. She wasn't giving me any signals or anything that made me like her. She has many flaws, but somehow, she is able to strive throughout and manages to work hard and still smile and laugh. She is talented, supportive, smart, funny, and to top it all off, she is pretty, too. It's really too bad she rejected me, and I still feel bummed out because of it. But I don't have regrets. It's alright. I'm okay being close friends with her.