My birthday was one of the most exciting days of my life as a child. Every December, I would begin to look forward to all I would have in store for the weeks leading up to my birthday. I began planning my parties and thinking of who to invite. I thought about what cake I’d want, which changed fairly regularly. I made lists of different toys and games I wanted, with my absolute favorites at the top.

As I have gotten older, birthdays have taken on a different meaning. The cute little parties at school have been replaced with Facebook posts from people I sometimes talk to, and big, organized parties with my friends have been pushed aside to make room for small gatherings with a few close people. Instead of getting toys I started getting more practical presents, like clothing or books, and I began daydreaming about the different rites of passage that came with getting older: driving, buying scratch tickets, voting in an election, and going to bars all seemed like exciting opportunities in my young mind. But for a number of years, I didn’t mind. The excitement of getting older was still a wondrous thing to me, like beginning a new chapter in a book

I noticed a change in attitude during my 22nd birthday though.

The closer it got, the less I really cared about it. I didn’t know what I wanted to get that year, and I didn’t know what I wanted to do, if anything, to celebrate. The thought of getting presents and cake and love from the people I care about stopped being exciting to me, and I couldn’t figure out why. Now I’m looking at 24, and the excitement only continues to fade with each passing year.

Is it because I have entered every rite of passage now that I can buy alcohol? Do I no longer have anything exciting to look forward to with every remaining birthday of my life aside from saying I’m a year older? Is this a subtle way for depression to wreak havoc on my wellbeing? Or do I simply just not want to get any older than I already am?

Being in my 20s hasn’t been the most exciting time of my life. Sure, I’ve learned more about myself than I ever did as a child or teenager, but I’ve also discovered how easy it can be for life to kick you when you’re down. Between my anxiety, the indecisiveness I have faced with myself, and the heartbreak that has come in the past four years, my 20s have taken a toll on my spirit, and sadly I haven’t even reached the halfway point yet.

I miss the days when birthdays were exciting. I miss waking up on my birthday and being wide-eyed with joy the entire day. I miss being excited about cake and presents and getting to throw a big party with all of my friends. I miss looking forward to presents or new opportunities that come with growing up.

Maybe one day I’ll look forward to aging again.