I did not write an article last week, not because I simply choose not to, but because I was afraid of revealing the real, ugly me. The me who cannot go to sleep because of the millions of things I did wrong throughout my life, the me who worries until I am physically sick. On the outside, many people may never see this in me, I probably laugh and carry on more than the average person but this makes up for the insecurities within. These insecurities are buried deep underneath, but there was point where I cannot control my anxiety. The thought of making any decisions or to face a stressful situation worries me to the point of exhaustion. Simple tasks on some days are fine, then other days, I am a wreck and I feel anxious to the point of having no recollection of what I just did two seconds ago. Believing in yourself is hard when you cannot believe you can make it through the day without having to pause to calm yourself down five to six times a day.
Believing in yourself is a foreign concept to someone who feels like they are always letting others down, always feeling as if their presence was a burden. That feeling you get when something does not turn out like you thought it would, that "why me" feeling, consistently I feel that way. I feel like very part of me does not measure to what I want it to. The feeling of losing control is like a permanence in my mind, I constantly want to take control of every area of my life and I have realized that I can't. Stressful situations that I have gone through this year, did not happen once and end, I relived them over and over in my head. I relived those moments at home, in a coffee shop, with friends, and this became a feeling that consumed my every waking moment.
Not only did anxiety consume my thoughts, but she started to consume my physical well being. She made my hands shake, made my words stutter, and made my body tense up if I was brought into a stressful environment. She made me a different person, a person that sometimes was not recognized by my boyfriend, best friends, and close family. To others, I had a defensive shield up. "I am fine", "I am just tired", "I am busy", "I need alone time." Words they believed and words that I was partially starting to believe, those words were spoken one too many times. No one should be so tired or busy to not see the light of day or because they are afraid that they may put themselves down.
Anxiety is very real. She can turn an extroverted, light-hearted person into a fear-ridden mess. She can take the things you love and twist them to make them undesirable, she keeps you from hobbies you used to enjoy and tells you that you are not good enough. Sometimes, you cannot make the choice to say not to her because you do not know how, anxiety is something in a lot of situations that have been out of my control. However, I can choose to overcome. I can choose to not let her become a part of me, it will take strength and time but it can be done. I love to write and express myself, today I have written about something I thought I could never write. In a way, I have started to overcome.
