I know it shouldn't, but it does. I can't help but think how much easier it would be on him if he didn't have to deal with my issues. If I didn't panic at the slightest thing, or if I didn't panic for no reason at all, everything would be easier. I wish I didn't need the same reassurances over and over again. I know it probably annoys him sometimes, but I can't help it.
I wish I didn't feel on edge every time he mentions a friend I'll meet, or have already met a million times. I should feel calm around everyone, but I can't help the feeling of constantly needing to impress someone. Friends are one of the closest people to him. If I don't have their support, I'm hated.
And don't even get me started on his family. I wish I could act normal around them. I wish I didn't have to think out how I'm going to act, or what I am going to say because I don't want to risk upsetting them. I wish I could just be free caring and calm just like they are. I bet they question why he is with me. I probably seem stuck up and rude because I am so quiet all the time and can barely keep up a conversation. I know how important they are, and I don't want them to think of me as "the girl he shouldn't be with." I'm just scared I will mess everything up but saying something weird, or blabbering on.
I wish my anxiety wasn't so crippling to how I felt about myself. I know it drives him crazy when I talk down about myself, but I can't help it. I've gone years believing that I wasn't beautiful or attractive because I don't fit the stereotypical standards you see today. I don't have the perfect face, or the hourglass figure. I don't have flawless skin, and I definitely am not some blonde beauty. I don't necessarily think I am ugly, but I don't find myself beautiful either. I am just there. A typical and forgettable face. He's so taken back at my ability to brush off compliments and not believe them. I don't know if I ever will be able to.
I wish I didn't shut him out when I'm having a bad day, but I can't help it. All I want to do is be left alone and not deal with anyone. That includes him. I don't mean to hurt his feelings, or be rude, but I don't know how else to handle it. I'm not use to anybody really noticing when I'm acting strange and wanting to talk about it. I'm not use to anybody caring, so my solution is to ignore everything.
My biggest weakness in all of this is my brain. Im constantly drowning in the thoughts of him coming to his senses, and finding someone better. Someone who can do spur of the moment things because they don't have control issues. Someone who can be more open without the fear of her past being too much. Someone who doesn't need constant checking up on to make sure they aren't having panic attacks, or chest pains. Someone who is just better all around.
