I'd like to think it was more out of kind and genuine curiosity rather than the intention to offend that my brother brazenly sneered at my 12 year old self asking “geez do you have ADD or something?” At the time the accusation shocked and offended me. I didn’t really understand what it meant other than to make it clear to me that I was annoying and wouldn't shut up. All I knew was that if it was being thrown like an insult it must have been. Through the following years I gained more of, what could be called more of an assumption backed with a bit of common knowledge, of what ADD or ADHD really were. The way I saw it, when someone had ADD/ADHD they were always hyper and crazy. I never bothered to really ask about what it was so for almost all my life I assumed I was just stupid. For so long I assumed I was just lazy and dull minded. I didn’t understand why everyone else around me seemed to do just fine in school but I struggled so hard, even when just trying to retain information on a daily basis. I would get in trouble at home because when told to do a simple task even that would slip out of my head the second I was preoccupied with something else. It wasn’t until I was 17 years old, a junior in high school that I met a doctor that would change how I saw myself forever.
At first I didn't really understand why I was there seated in front of an older lady with fiery red hair who told me I was there to be given a special set of tests that were part survey and part interactive. A week after the tests my parents and I were joined in a small office with Dr. red hair. She took out a small set of papers she called, my specific testing results and began to explain to myself and my parents that I wasn’t dumb. I wasn't crazy, or lazy, or worthless, or helpless. She told me and my parents that the struggles I faced on a daily basis were, more often then not, symptoms. Symptoms of a mental disability called Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD. It was the second time I saw my dad cry. To put a name to my struggles was only the beginning though. Over the next month it was decided I would try medication and was paired with an amazing therapist with whom I gained back a huge chunk of my self-worth and control of my life.
As high school came to an end I found myself in a whole new environment. College. I faced new opportunities, experiences, and struggles in the next three years. I would like to say that during that time everything was fine and well. But the truth of the matter was, and still is, that my issues involving my ADHD didn’t just magically go away with a little pill or because I was growing into adulthood, like some have the misconception to believe. As I grew older and more self-aware I began to learn things, not only about myself as a person but also about my disability. It wasn’t always things I learned from my own way of thinking either. I learned new things everyday from the stereotypes and stigma that ADHD brings from OTHER people. I have been told, almost regularly, that I am “using my ADHD as an excuse.” But along with being told that my issues were invalid, I was also berated and asked, “Why can’t you just do things?” Essentially asking why I couldn't work up to their expectations, but also telling me that my diagnosed disability didn't really effect me. Kinda like saying the millions of people each year that are diagnosed with depression have no reason to be sad, but then they wonder why they are? People who don’t know any better act like it’s a choice. My disability is a breeding ground for anxiety and depression and thats before you add medicine to the mix. I forget tasks I must do the moment before I’m going to do them. If I do not focus all of my energy on the task at hand I risk losing the thought process altogether. Only then to sit there and ponder to myself for an x amount of time trying to figure out what it was that I was about to do. The frustration it brings on a daily basis alone is enough to make me want to scream. This in itself is only a small portion of the struggles. Imagine for a moment how that may affect my homework, appointments, work, and social life. The stress of it overwhelms me at times. I've burst into tears on more than one occasion simply because I had a flat tire that couldn't be patched. Instead of calmly realizing that I could just get a cheap new tire and all would be well, I began to have a panic attack because I didn't know what to do, my mind hadn't connected the dots yet. I remember the repairman looking at me like I was an idiot because I hadn't realized that. With my prescribed medicine the difference is huge to say the least but that doesn't mean its perfect. I still struggle throughout the day but with much less frustration and without being overcome by my own mind.
Even though the battle with bias and stereotypes continues for me and countless others I continue to fight them. Whether its reminding myself that others don't know any better or by trying to explain how I feel to others so that they may attempt to understand, ADHD is a part of myself that I am face with every single day. I hope to remind people that ADHD is a real and tangible thing. I doesn't mean I'm stupid. It doesn't mean I'm lesser for it. It is simply a part of me that I have adapted to and will attempt to over come everyday because thats what I can do. Last, but not least, I would just like to say, the squirrel joke is funny, but only if I'm laughing with you.
