My ex-boyfriend inspired me to pursue music. It wasn’t because he was into music or anything like that, but because it was in me. He saw in me what I couldn’t see myself. He fought to bring it out, but I was reluctant to try. He showed me through his pursuits of his own passions how much fun and joy it would be to pursue something that brings your heart a fluttering feeling that had little to do with another breathing soul, but instead was due to your heart's rhythmic pulse. It wasn’t until he called it quits that I realized I’d only be happy doing what I love, pursuing the gift that was given to me from above. Music is the first thing I think about when I awake in the morning. Whether it be singing, dancing, or drumming on the counter, whether I’m humming a hymn or singing a baby to sleep, music lives in me. Being stubborn and fixed, I missed all that he said, “Do what makes you happy, what makes you feel good. It’s only then will you know and understand the position that I’m in.” I understand now.
After years of running and hiding from a gift that was meant to be shared and not stored, I can honestly say thank you. Thank you for seeing in me what I didn’t believe I could achieve. I allowed my insecurity and jealousy to hinder me. I allowed them to hinder me from progressing and caressing a sensation others only hope to gain. You see, it wasn’t the same without my number-one supporter by my side as I pursued my passion. But it was his words that stuck with me as I began to branch out in my own unusual fashion.
I suffered from modesty, meekness, and trying not to step on other's toes, trying to find my lane in a school where all the pros go. I would say it was fear that kept me from truly pursuing music—fear of competition or, should I say, my vision. My vision that one day I’d take the world by storm and leave others behind; that I’d be a force to reckon with -- that scared me. How could I find my way here? Here where all the pros go? My ex- boyfriend believed in me and thought I was doing myself a disservice by not following my heart. Have you ever watched a person struggle to find their way in the world when it was obvious where their energy should be focused? Have you ever watched a person battling themselves trying to figure out which path in life they should take when others around seem to know besides them? That was me.
That was me then, but this is me now: a country girl pursuing her passion and giving it all she has. With everything in me I’m pushing forward making sure I dot every i and cross every t. Believing in me is my first priority. Allowing what’s inside to finally surface and rise is an experience—an experience that sadly I’m having without my number-one supporter by my side. Or should I say, my old number-one supporter. Now it’s someone new. Someone who believes in me too and values my talents. Someone who’s not afraid to tell me the bitter truth, not to hurt or hinder me but to help and build me up. Someone who can lift my spirits when I begin to dim and offer hope, love and honesty.
It’s through the pain that I was able to gain my voice back. It was because I finally wanted to feel the joy and fun of pursuing my heart’s rhythmic pulse -- like he did. So again, I say thank you. Thank you for inspiring me to pursue music. I will forever be grateful and remember you. You helped me see what I couldn’t see in myself. Although we are through and you’ve moved on and so have I, the inspiration will always remain. Thank you.
