Maybe it’s just me, or maybe other people feel the same too. I just wish that sometimes I knew how to say something when it bothers me. Sometimes I get mad and over think and without a voice of reason, I act on a situation. Maybe not even a situation, but something I just created in my head. The why’s, when’s, what’s, who’s and how’s. Sometimes I tell myself I’ll never do it again, but then I do. Once, maybe twice, until I finally tell myself to stop. There have been a couple of times this past year where I’ve done that. I've taken my anger out on someone without thinking it through reasonably before saying it. The last time was probably the worst. I don’t know if it was my mind getting the best of me, or maybe a problem that was actually there. Still to this day I am unsure of what I shouldn’t have been said. What should have been said…or what should have just been pushed back. Just a shadow of temptation.
You know you’ve done something wrong or that you’ve gone too far when you’ve started to lose people. At times you start to say “if they can’t take me the way I am, then screw them,” right? I honestly don’t know where I even remotely stand. The little things that appear, they start to become signs of bigger things. Actions lessen the words gifted.
“I’m sorry”
“It’s OK”
(pause)
…but is it really?
Then moments later, nothing. The nothing has to be the worst part because you know it’s not okay and you know damn well you’ve reached your limit. You try to tell yourself “these things happen to everybody” and maybe they do, but what happens when they can’t forgive you because I’m trying to figure that out myself. These urges of words feel so smooth coming out, but so violent with time, and sometimes I wish I could take it all back. Sometimes. Sometimes I wish my emotions and moments wouldn’t overshadow the person I am. I am sensitive and empathetic. It’s as if I feel everything two times more than the regular person. Love, like, dislike, hate, stress, gullibility, grievance, paranoia…just emotion.
We’re in a generation where it’s a crime to be a good person and an unhealthy obsession to care so much that it hurts. A remarkable curse sugar coated as an unchangeable blessing. There are just so many times I wish attachment wasn’t something I learned to notice so quickly, but it’s who I am. The intuition of a woman who feels before she steps. Who speaks before she acts. In this world, good deeds go unnoticed and mistakes will last a lifetime. A world where proof is something we hold on to.
And where feeling and wanting more is always “too much”.
