I struggle to be positive.
It is a curse with my depression and my anxiety that sometimes eats me alive.
I recently met a guy who never in a million years I thought I would be super close with. He is someone who understands me and all my mental illness but for once doesn’t see me as the girl with the mental illness.
Spending time with him has done wonders to my brain and how I think. I never thought after a very dark spiral that I would truly smile again. I told my family that I would rather go back to the hospital then just deal with my ongoing depression.
Then I met the guy with the smile and the personality that could light up the world. The first time we met, it was actually a little bit awkward. I found myself in my head wondering where to go and what conversation to have.
It ended up being about our favorite show and how he is behind me and I can’t give him any spoilers.
I honestly forgot how to truly smile until that day.
We found ourselves at the local park that everyone knows and is familiar with in town. It was a beautiful day so why not take advantage of it? Looking at the park made me sad but at the same time grateful because I was alive.
Recently, I wondered what would happen if I wasn’t alive so realizing I was happy to be alive was wonderful.
I swear we talked about everything and anything that day and I wanted to learn more and he did too.
He was so kind and sweet I forgot also how genuine people can be. It amazed me. It brought me out of the bubble of negativity that I was currently living in. This bubble consumed me for what seemed ever. I didn’t want to do anything. I gave up taking some of my meds and I wasn’t gaining any weight anymore. It was just me living day by day.
Hanging out with him, felt like I was able to breathe again. It was like I took a breath of fresh air for the first time. Laughing felt natural.
Sometimes, all you need is one positive person to reassure you that you don’t have to live in the bubble that is your depression. You can move forward no matter how scary it is.
For me, I was scared. I was hesitant. I had this feeling that I should at least open up a little bit and it has brought sunshine back into my life. I know that when I smile now it is real. I don’t dwell so much on the past. I am not perfect. I have my bad days but I have that support system that I can go to on my bad days. It is beautiful to realize that I have a purpose to live and that it is positive. Before I was living to live. I was just waiting for the day I went back to the hospital.
I am more than the hospital and I can smile and laugh again and that feels wonderful.