Nicholas Sparks once wrote “Just when you think it can’t get any worse, it can. Just when you think it can’t get any better, it can.” Moving on from a failed relationship is one of the hardest obstacles life can throw at us. Depending on the length of the relationship, it can be even harder for some. Like many, I can speak from experience. If you’re taking the time to read this article, it’s probably because you’re searching for answers. Answers to your questions can only be found from within, so if you are seeking solutions, I can’t help you. Period. But what I can do is tell you what did and did not help me. Moving on from a relationship is not permanent, but rather just a grievance.

The first stage of grief is denial. We will often deny that there is a problem. This first stage, for me, was the longest. I wanted so badly to pretend that nothing had changed, so I kept going through life with the attachment I had with this person. From the beginning, that only made things harder for me. DO reach out to people. Finding comfort in your friends is a great way to channel your emotions. It’s not healthy to keep it all to yourself. If friends aren’t an option, or if they’re not available when you need them, do something on your own. Take 30 minutes out of your day to take a walk, go to the gym and exercise, or go see a movie. You could even pull out that bike you bought last year that you haven’t used yet. The best thing we can do is find something to keep us occupied. DO NOT reach out for things to fill the void they left, like alcohol, pornography, or sex. It is easy for those things to make us feel better in the moment, but in the long run, it will only suppress your feelings. That is where many people get stuck in the denial stage and like I said, I speak from experience.

The second stage of grief is anger. Chances are, if you’ve sought this article out, you are past the first stage and heading into this one. Dammit, you’re pissed. The person who was supposed to love you is gone and you feel alone. That makes you angry and resentful. One thing you must tell yourself, regardless of who broke up with who, is that it is not his/her fault and it is not yours either. Failed relationships were simply not meant to be. In my experience, this anger we feel is frustration, whether it be emotional or sexual frustration. DO NOT ask for break-up sex, or do anything that would lead to it, in an attempt to calm your nerves. The urges we feel are natural, but the best thing to do is to curve them. DO call your mom, or your sister, or your best friend. Ask them if you can come over, have a margarita, and watch reruns of Sex and the City. Once we get older, that is what they are there for. If you are feeling lonely and everyone is busy, find something safe to do that will channel that anger. For me, it was poetry. Eventually, if you keep yourself busy, those lonely feelings will subside and the anger will melt away with it.

The third stage of grief is bargaining. What could I have done to change the outcome? Is there anything I could have said to make him/her change his mind? Was what we had ever real? Will I ever find love again? This is the first stage in which we’re finally moving on. I like to refer to this stage as “survivor’s guilt.” We find ourselves feeling guilty for living our lives without them. DO NOT attempt to make contact with them. By doing so, you will only be giving power to the thoughts inside your head, and you will lose focus of what is important: your happiness. It is perfectly okay to be friends with your exes, but that will only come with time, not with force. DO write down or record your thoughts. Writing down your questions can get them out of your head. Write your ex a letter with all of your questions and send it to yourself. It can easily be done. Go to a friend’s house and let them know what you’re doing, put the letter in their mailbox and wait for it to come to you. When you get it, answer the questions yourself now that you’ve had time. It’s a great exercise that really helps.

The final stage of grief is acceptance. I know, it once seemed like it would take forever, but it’s finally here. It has been a long time coming but you are ready to live your life. You may linger between bargaining and acceptance for a while, but once you cross over, you will know. This is the perfect time to reflect on your old relationship. If you have noticed things you did wrong, work to change them in your next relationship. If you have noticed things they did wrong, try to look for someone who you don’t think would do those kinds of things. DO, once you’re ready, go on a couple of dates. Be careful not to immediately seek what you had with your ex. You should always go into a date with the sole intention of having fun. DO NOT settle with the first person you go on a date with. Explore your options and do not limit yourself or your time to one person, unless you are sure that you are ready to make a commitment with them. Don’t feel bad if you are not ready to date right away. If you decide to, invest more time in your hobbies, your family, your friends, or your career. Either or all of them is perfectly okay as well.

Regardless of what stage you are in, just remember that it will get harder before it gets easier. Love and relationships are all about perspective, and good relationships are about timing, patience and understanding. If you stay motivated and try to move forward, you will with time. If you are not moving through the stages as fast as you would like, do not worry or stress about it. We all handle things differently. Your life is in your hands and remember what Mr. Sparks said, that regardless of what you think, it can and it will.