WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS ALL HYPOTHETICAL (IMPROBABLE BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE).
Donald J. Trump is elected president of the United State of America. His horrifically tiny baby hands now sit comfortably, if not naturally, on the glowing red button that connects to America’s apocalyptically massive nuclear arsenal. It's large enough to plummet the world into a fiery hellscape not even Bethesda could easily render. What will you do?
Presumably, you’ll do what every American threatens to do in times of intense struggle or pressure, move to Canada. Yes, that’s right, our frosty neighbor to the north that conveniently also speaks English. I know what you’re thinking, my dearest reader, "I can’t move to Canada! I’m not a Canadian citizen." Well, lucky for you, I’ve complied this helpful guide to push you along one of the largest, if not, coldest land borders in the world.
First, what you’re going to want to do is sell everything you own here in what will soon have been the United States. After Trump accidentally wipes out all sentient life south of the 48th parallel, that nice beach property in North Carolina isn’t going to continue to accumulate value anymore. Nor will any banks in the bottom 48 be left to deposit anymore. It’s difficult to hold deposits when your vault and reserves have been reduced to radioactive ash. So, you should withdraw and close any accounts you have in order to avoid losing any potential cash (you’ll need this to start your new life in the land of Maple Syrup and hockey).
Second, this is the easy part – you’re going to want to actually pack up your stuff and move north. This is a hard one, mainly because driving through rural Canada is tediously boring besides the wonder of the natural scenery or the beautiful, well-kept homes that sit along the roads. Also, make sure you have your passport. Now, I know some of you’ve never had to present your papers to prove who you are to authority figures, but it’s not hard. Just give them the passport and try not to lie about the massive store of undeclared goods in your trunk, and try not to do anything that could be considered “suspicious.”
Third, find somewhere to live. Toronto, while a bustling city of two million people, probably won’t have any cheap places to live, and if there are places, they will be horribly jam-packed with people. I would recommend moving to somewhere remote and unpopulated like Saskatchewan or…God forbid…Alberta. Sure, it’s far away from any major center of fun or excitement, but hey, you’re a refugee now, don’t bite the hand that feeds.
Finally, try to find some work. This one is tough. Most jobs in Canada are held by, well, Canadians, and despite how hospitable they may seem, they probably won’t like us stepping in and taking all their jobs. Sure, I know you’ll be devastated that your homeland has been reduced to a pile of toxic slime, but maybe you shouldn’t have elected our friend Trump in the first place.
