Based on what people tell me, I'm often known as the happy, bubbly girl who tries to remain optimistic even in situations where it is difficult to find the positivity. I am often the one to explain how excited I am for a more undesirable event or tell others why they should look forward to something. What a lot of people don't understand is that it's hard to act this way when the thoughts inside of my head don't correspond with my actions.

I'm not saying that my thoughts are never positive. But, what is shown on the outside is often not reflected on the inside. I can go to class or work with a smile on my face, and no one would ever expect that I had stayed up until the late hours of the night studying, that I had just done horribly on an exam, or that I found out news that ruined my week. People don't suspect that there's more behind the smile, and that's okay. It's definitely not easy to know and understand what is happening with and going on with others.

For me, I wish that it was easier to explain. Friends, family, and my peers don't really seem to get it. I am a believer in each person's experience is unique to them, so it makes sense that other people wouldn't completely understand what I am battling with. However, I know that it's okay to not be 'okay' all of the time. It's okay to feel down, and it's okay to explain to the people who care about me most that I haven't been feeling like myself lately.

Those negative thoughts within my head can be constant or unexpected. I may feel like I'm on top of the world and that I am having a moment where I am genuinely happy. But, in an instant, these positive thoughts and feelings can change. They can change into negative feelings. I can realize how much schoolwork I need to do, or I begin to feel stressed just because of my surroundings.

Although it's hard to experience this internal battle, I will not let myself believe these negative, intrusive thoughts because I know that I am strong. I am not weak, and I will never let myself fall a victim to these thoughts. To anyone who is struggling with negativity due to your surroundings or some anxious tendencies, know that you are more than this. You are not weak.

Each person's experiences are their own. Although we cannot entirely control our thoughts and feelings, we can attempt to mediate them. The next time I am experiencing self-deprecating thoughts that harm my uplifting mood or my positive spirit, I will attempt to shut them down. I imagine that it can only get better with practice. I believe that there is a light at the end of every tunnel. Although it seems dark and unknown now, the tunnel can eventually be navigated to find an escape into the light.