For years, people questioned me on if I was really that scared? Did it really bother me that much to be in certain social situations? If I am being honest with myself, the answer is YES! Being a little vague, the “what am I talking about?” question is that practically for as long as I can remember, I have dealt with social anxiety. No, I do not have a medical degree in psychology and have never sought out medical attention on this matter, but I know it remains a constant daily struggle of mine! I experience irritability and completely shut down in extreme social situations.
My fear of social situations goes beyond just nerves, for instance, while talking in front of class. Although, yes, I am nervous talking in front of class, mine is more extreme. If one would look at my college transcript for my class in public speaking, one might see my A and say, “She must feel really confident talking in front of a group of her peers.” The truth is, I am not. Before I give a speech, I feel scared to death just waiting for my name to verbalize from the teacher. I would literally feel like I was going to puke! During my speech, I would shake, yes, literally tremble, due to my nervousness. I could not concentrate on what I needed to say next, let alone what I was currently saying. My thoughts raced about if I was saying the right thing and what my professor and peers were thinking.
It goes beyond my fear of public speaking, however. I have a fear of talking to new people, new and familiar places, talking to people on the phone, unknown people calling my phone, talking in class, talking to my boss, talking to a professor, going through the drive-thru at a restaurant, having my order taken inside a restaurant, going to the doctor, making appointments, the list goes on and on. My fear literally interferes with my ability to lead a normal life because I am afraid of social situations. I have an overwhelming fear and worry over everyday social situations that most would see as easy tasks. I have a fear of being judged by others, when those “others” probably just see me as another face in the crowd. My fear goes beyond being shy. The phobia I have causes me to have anxiety attacks, excessive worry, sleep problems, stage fright, self-consciousness, such a fear of one-on-one conversations, panic attacks, dwelling on events of the day and pondering on what and what was not said and self-doubt.
My social anxiety affects me more that in should. It is more than being shy; it’s more than being an introvert. On the inside, I really want to be outgoing, I want to be the leader in the group project, and I want to be the person who speaks up in class, goes to social events and makes friends easily. I want to be that person that discusses situations and assignments with professors. I want to not feel fear when going to work or entering into a new classroom. I want to join multiple clubs and volunteer for activities. The truth is, my fear of social situations causes me to keep my outgoing personality at bay due to my fear of what others may think. Social anxiety has become my normalcy. Moving forward with every day of my life, I have a constant battle within to go through everyday situations such as ordering coffee. I want to be more than my fear. I work towards being that girl with an outgoing personality. I want desperately to go places and hang out with people and not feel sheer fear and panic when I do so. Every action I do leads to constant stress. I am not seeking attention; it is indeed the quite opposite. Social anxiety is my norm and something I will fight with on a daily basis, so that one day maybe I will be able to do more than order food without almost having a panic attack.
