Moms. They can be sweet, motherly, and oh so supportive; other times they can be demanding and savage as f as they unleash all their craziness on you. My mom has two sides. Depending on her mood, the conversation can go either way.
Scenario One: My apparently questionable clothing choices
A. "You are going to leave the house wearing that? You look like you went to hell and came back. Do you not have clothes? Because I know you definitely have a lot from the huge pile you have accumulating in your room."
*Wow, okay. Who even cares though? I'm tired.*
B. "You're going to leave the house wearing that? Why are you looking so nice? I'm not used to seeing you actually looking presentable. Well, but what is the occasion?"
*No mom. I happened to wake up 10 minutes early, and actually all I did was put a dress on. Relax. I'm not going clubbing later.*
Scenario Two: When I decide to go hang out with friends
A. "What are your plans? Oh, are you going out with friends? Lol, you have those? Who? Have I meet them? Oh, the blonde or the brunette? That girl? Ah, I like her. Very sweet. No, I don't secretly judge your friends. Well, you only have like three. I just like to see how they are doing. They seem like they have their life together. You should learn from them."
*How did this conversation go from me going out with friends to you questioning whether I had friends to you saying you love my friends to you wanting me to be more like them?*
B. "What are your plans? Oh, are you going out with friends? Wow, why don't you talk to me more? You're always with your friends. Am I not important? I am your friend too. Your best friend. I gave birth to you!!!"
*Yes, mom. You did give birth to me. Not denying that. That's why I call you my mom. Best friend? Umm... okay. And I'm literally talking to you right now.*
Scenario Three: The usual "How's your day going?"
A. "How is your day going? Oh, you're tired and confused. I feel ya baby. Life sucks sometimes. It'll get better. Well, I'm not God so I'm not like a hundred percent sure... you get what I mean. But, sometimes life sucks so it can surprise you in a big way later."
*Okay... well, that was kinda sweet. Thanks, mom.*
B. "How is your day going? Oh, you're tired and confused. What else is new? Do you ever understand what happens in your classes? Did you try going to a tutor? You did? Oh, that's good. And you're still struggling? Wow, you aren't the sharpest tool in the shed are you? Did you eat? What did you eat? Pizza? Wow, and you wonder why freshman 15 is a thing. Yeah, well you have gained a few, but I won't tell you because then you'll be sad. How about going for a run? No, not because I think you've put on a few. It'll clear up your mind... or what you have left of it *chucking*. No, but really. I read a FaceBook article the other day. It said the best way to age slower is to feel fresher. Take a shower. Did you try the new bath gel I got you? Yes, the lavender chamomile. Anyways, you should consider that run."
*Well, I'm tired because I study a lot and I am trying to do well. You won't tell me because then I'll be sad? Um ... mom, you literally just told me. I have put on weight, but honestly it's winter so it doesn't matter. It'll keep me warm. I'll go on a run because I'm feeling that-not because you think I should. Btw, stop reading all those FaceBook articles. FaceBook is not an actual source for getting information about what is happening in the world. How many times do I have to tell you that? You told me last week to stop drinking cold water because you read it causes cancer. I'm noticing a trend. Seriously, stop using FaceBook for your health queries. Oh, and that bath gel is amazing.*
Scenario Four: When I'm dying aka *sick*
A. "Are you sick? Awww, you need soup, medicine, and a good book. Relax. Take it easy. Take a nap to calm your nerves. Wanna try the ayurvedic recipe I saw on Facebook?"
*Thanks, I'll try to relax. And no. Mom, what did I tell you about not utilizing FaceBook for information? *
B. "Are you sick? What did you eat? Did you drink something cold? I told you to be careful of what you eat. It is that time of year where one person falls sick and then *boom* it's an epidemic. What were you wearing yesterday? I bet the reason you're sick is because you weren't wearing a sweater yesterday. You don't take the proper precautions and then you complain. Take 2 tablespoons of that medicine. Oh, you already did? Okay, well you should be more careful. You have a weather app on your phone don't you? Well, check it and wear a sweater the next time you go out! You aren't Elsa. The cold does bother you. That's why you are sick."
*What even. People get sick sometimes mom. I am human. I am susceptible to getting a cold. It's December.*
Yes, these are actual conversations I have had with my mom. But, I still love her. I secretly enjoy hearing all the craziness that comes out of her mouth. Love ya, mommy!
Thanks for reading my lame articles, Mom :)