Mom, I Am So Sorry

Mom, I am so sorry I am scaring you with all of these articles about my mental health. I feel like this is the only way that I am going to be able to get my feelings out into the world without me cowering away from them. I am sure your friends are sick of reading these types of articles, but it just has to be done. The overwhelming amount of support in the comment section is only satisfying my lust for involvement in this world for short spurts of time.

Mom, I am absolutely sure that when I was born nineteen years ago, you never thought that your child's mental health was going to be a burden that you would have to carry with you. I am sorry for the phone calls that you are to scared to hang up from, I am sorry for the scares that I have sent you through. I am sorry for the false sense of happiness that I have displayed for years, all while you thought it was real. I have had to force a smile on my face for too long now, I'm getting tired. I know you have talked with people about me, but I am convinced that I am past the point of recovery. This is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life, and I am coping with that.

Mom, I am so sorry that your youngest daughter is struggling so much. I know this isn't the kind of content that you want to read over a computer screen, but this is the only way that I can talk to someone. Going to therapy sends my anxiety through the roof because I am not comfortable confiding in a complete stranger. It terrifies me to walk across campus to talk to someone and be recorded for learning purposes. I don't feel 100% comfortable with that and I know I have other options but I'm not sure that I am ready to explore them.

Mom, I am so sorry. This week, in particular, has been one of the hardest I've ever had to face. I have a good support system, I am making more friends and they are helping me through this. I am at a low and I'm not sure how long it will be until I get to a peak again. I feel so numb to everything around me. I don't know how to make it better, but one of my friends told me, "take everything minute by minute, decision by decision. Find a reason to get up in the morning." This advice has made a slight improvement in my daily life, but I'm not sure how to make it even better now.

I am trying my hardest Mom. I really am.

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