I am the girl who is on the verge of an emotional breakdown, and sadly, I'm not alone. The tears that brew in the back of my eyes, my throat tightens whenever there is a mention of another task being added to my To-Do list, but nothing will ever happen. This sensation stays with me for days, weeks, months as I wait for everything to pile up then explode all at once. The stress never seems to go away, no matter what I do.
My friends notice something is wrong but there is nothing they can do since tasks just keep getting thrown at me. The colorful sticky notes, my planner, and phone reminders all become too much, overwhelming you to the point of almost tears but then you remember you can't cry. Not in public, you don't want to cry in front of your roommate/friends, but there is no time that you are truly alone to do so. The organization of others almost becomes mocking to the point that I start to go crazy by even comparing myself to someone. I try different methods of organization, but the second I do, it makes me feel less organized than before.
I have tried to get help, seeking medications and therapy appointments, but those only seem to ease my pain for a short period of time. I go to my appointment, I cry about my problems, then seemingly none of them get fixed. I don't know if that's my doing or if the universe is giving me one big middle finger. I hide behind a fake smile that comes out every time I see a camera approaching. I can't feel what it's like to be truly happy anymore and that has been going on for a long time, but I can feel myself drifting farther and farther away from emotions. Is that the reason that I can't cry? Am I too out of touch with reality that I can't just decide to be happy?
I understand that I can't just make myself happy, but can't I create an illusion of it? I've tried talking to multiple people, professionals, friends, etc. and nothing helps. Am I just not cut out for college? Is it too much to handle? The thing about depression is that it makes you second guess all of your decisions, big or small, and it doesn't help when people screw you over in the process. I am beginning to feel numb to all situations happening around me, no matter the time, place, who it involves. I just am starting to not care and let major things roll off my back because I am too stressed over school work to care.
People say "let loose have some fun in college, but don't forget to study!", where does the balance come in? I try to have fun but then I fall behind in my courses and then I skip having fun to catch up on school work and it is a never-ending cycle. I don't know if it's because I can't find the balance, or if it's because there isn't one. Tears are forming in my eyes as I write this but I'm not worried about it because they won't fall, they won't find their way to my pillow at night because I seemingly can't force them out of my body. I know in the end it will all be worth it, but I pose the question, will there be an end?